Satire: Michael’s Declassified School Survival Guide


photo illustration by Erin O'Neill

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

Welcome to Michael’s Declassified School Survival Guide. Long title, yes. I thought of it all on my own. I decided that as a seasoned veteran of OU in my fourth semester, I would educate all of you on how to survive this place called Oakland University. Let’s get started.

Rule 1: The AirPod user

When you see someone using AirPods, always ASK first before worshipping them and proclaiming that you are not worthy. Some users are humble and will get quite bashful when you get down on your knees and praise their holiness without at least asking. Most really enjoy the unsolicited worshipping, but it’s quite cute to them to at least be asked first.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Michael, AirPod users are so superior to me, how do I speak to them like they AREN’T a God?” Simple. Act as if they’re your mother or the president or something. Someone on an equal plane as you. DON’T picture them in their underwear though. All AirPod users are hella ripped.

Rule 2: Elevator Etiquette

Never, I repeat, NEVER consider anyone else when you enter or exit an elevator. A lot of dingleberries think that you have to wait before entering an elevator to see if other people are on it. One thing I have learned from every resident and even employees at Oakland is that is poppycock.

Do as you please! Enter elevators without caring about the people exiting, that’s the OU way! Going down one floor because you’re too lazy and pathetic to take one flight of stairs? That isn’t only allowed, it is encouraged! Who cares about the people on the sixth floor who are going to class, you deserve this.

Rule 3: Complain about your tuition ALL. THE. TIME

One way to rise up the social ranks at Oakland is to constantly whine about the new improvements to our university because your tuition is rising. This must mean that my tuition is DIRECTLY funding the Oakland Center, right? Congratulations Sherlock Holmes, you have cracked the code. Every dollar you give to Oakland went straight to Plum Market. It’s amazing you didn’t get the Presidential Scholarship, because you’re a genius.

Also, complaining about things to your friends is the proven number one way to make change at a public university. Joining a student org? Lame. Joining student congress to try to make change happen? Proven to not work. But one thing the university DOES listen to is your complaints to your friends while you’re texting in class. They really value that feedback on how to properly spend your tuition, which is directly funnelled to the Habitat. Thank you, you gracious Simpleton.

Before you come at me with a ton of garbage because you’re upset. I don’t care. Happy new year, troglodytes.