SATIRE: New year, new you

Somehow the world didn’t burst into flames and fall into the sun last year, so like it or not we all made it into 2019. With the new year comes everyone’s favorite tradition of making New Year’s resolutions, with the hope of somehow becoming better than what they were for their whole life up until that point.

Now I don’t make New Year’s resolutions because I am already the perfect human being, but I figured I would offer some advice to people looking to improve themselves over the next 12 months. Of course there are the basic “workout more” and “eat healthy” resolutions that everyone abandons 20 days after Jan. 1, but I’m here to help you set more realistic goals for your 2019.

Take care of yourself

In 2018 we saw an increase of people taking self-care and mental health days. These basically equate to waking up and deciding you don’t want to do anything today, and instead end up spending the day in bed, sipping tea and posting on Twitter how you were taking the day to do a “mental cleanse.”

For this year, I recommend amping self-care up another notch. Mental health days need to become mental health weeks. Spend days in bed instead of a measly eight hours a night. Quit your job, it only stresses you out. The sky’s the limit.

Drink more

Generally when people make resolutions regarding alcohol, it’s always along the lines of wanting to drink less. Instead, I would recommend the reverse: drink as much as you can. Top off your cup, finish that fifth. You only have one life to live, and it’s better to go out in a blaze of drunken glory rather than living to some boring old age like 83.

Don’t make new friends

Listen, in 2019 you need to amp up your personal growth. I get that, but there is going to be one thing dragging down your goal of achieving the ultimate you: other people. If you spend time socializing and talking to other people, that’s less time spent on improving your skill set.

Going to a party? Skip it and exercise. Seeing an old friend from high school? Blow them off and start working on those Duolingo Spanish skills. There is so much more time for improvements when you’re not weighed down by the need to form human connections. The tradeoff is absolutely not worth it, and this year everyone should just focus, ignore each other and become a better person.

Learn to play hockey

There are so many benefits to learning how to play hockey. Fitness? Check. Learning to ice skate? Check. Getting amazing hair? Check. You can go into 2019 body checking anyone that gets in your way.

Plus we have so many hockey pucks now we might as well put ‘em to good use.

And finally, in all seriousness:

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Do it.