Satire: Five essential items to bring with you to finals

Samuel Summers, Photographer

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Well, it’s that time of year again – finals are less than a week away! While the weather turns cold and the holidays draw closer, students across the U.S. are crammed into the nation’s libraries and coffee shops, frantically cramming every last bit of useless knowledge they can into their already overloaded minds. Even as you’re reading this, you’re probably realizing that you should be studying, and can feel a sense of overwhelming dread washing over you – but don’t put down this article yet! It’s important to be prepared for finals, but remember: half of your grade for the semester all comes down to that fateful two hours when you sit down to take the test, and it’s important to come to the exam with everything you need. Here are five essential items to bring with you to final exams.

  1. A pen: This one’s pretty obvious, you’ll need something to write with! As you pull out the exam and peruse the first page, you’ll need this important tool to fill out the most important question on the test: your name! If you don’t do that, how will your professor know that the lowest grade in the class belongs to you?
  2. A pencil: After a few minutes go by, it’ll likely hit you that you can’t fill out the rest of the exam in pen. There’s simply no way you’ll be able to answer the questions well enough to write in pen – in fact, you’ll probably end up erasing most of the questions several times before you decide to leave them all blank. For that kind of test-taking, a pencil is the perfect tool. Remember to make sure the pencil is a #2! Otherwise, those couple of multiple choice questions you guessed right on by accident won’t do you much good.
  3. A massive cup of coffee: Let’s face it – Coffee is a great beverage, but that’s not why you’ll be drinking it on the morning of your important exam. It contains caffeine, and that’s exactly what you’ll need when you’ve read through every question on the test and realized that you can’t answer a single one of them. This essential exam item will send you into such a manic frenzy that you’ll just start filling in answers, even if you have no idea what you’re supposed to be writing.
  4. A calculator: Listen up, math majors – once the test is underway, you’ll undoubtedly need a calculator. It probably won’t help your chances of succeeding, but at least you’ll be able to hit some buttons for a few minutes and feel like you’re doing something productive.
  5. A stick of gum: Late in the exam, when the coffee’s worn off and you’ve answered every question you can, it’s nice to have one more resource up your sleeve – and what better than a delicious piece of rubber you can chew on for a few minutes to distract yourself from the sense of impending doom? Heck, maybe you can even chew it loud enough to distract that person sitting next to you who seems to actually know what they’re doing. If both of you do poorly, the professor’s that much more likely to curve the test – and that might just be the only way you’re going to pass. Chew like your grades depend on it, and best of luck!