The Oakland Post

SATIRE: The three spookiest sights at OU

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

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The wind hurts my face, and these midterms hurt my brain. It can only be one time of the year. Spooky month. Oh yes, we are smack dab in the middle of the spookiest month of the year, and just like any other place, Oakland has its own unique spooky sights.

Here are my top three spooky sights/sounds/smells you will encounter on Oakland University’s wonderful campus.

1. The mini car

We’ve all been here before. Desperately searching through a parking lot, five minutes late to your class. You see a glimmer of hope, your eyes grow wide and you see it. An open parking spot! But your glee quickly turns to pure rage, as there is a Volkswagen Bug or a Mini Cooper parked in that spot, it was just too small to see from afar.

As you drive off looking for another parking spot, you string together many curse words and drive to a parking lot on the opposite side of campus. Now, you are twenty minutes late to class, and your professor gives you the stink eye as you wander into their class with a shameful look on your face.

Truly spooky.

2. Vandy’s Rockbot

At first during the year we all thought that the RockBot system in the Vandenberg Dining Hall was a great idea. I can pick my own music? Hurray! But oh no, we were all dead wrong. Little did anyone know that this democratic system of up voting and down voting would lead to massive hordes of meme lords playing “Africa” by Toto EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

This is the spookiest sound of them all, walking into Vandy with dreams of omelettes, only to be greeted by NIGHTMARES of Africa ASSAULTING your ears.

Diverting this to a quick PSA: Whoever is doing this horrendous deed, stop it. Africa is a played out meme and no one thinks you’re funny anymore. You’re a one trick pony, and you need to have your RockBot privileges stripped for life. I despise you.

3. Saturday afternoon Vandy

Oh no, it’s Saturday at 5 p.m., I’m starving, but I don’t want to lose my parking spot. Guess I’m headed to Vandy for dinner again. The usual weekday crew is on break and they’re short staffed for the weekend. Time to eat the same exact thing I had for lunch! Roast beef and “Herb seasoned chicken” as my meat choices, I guess it’s sandwich time.

As I eat this dry chicken just like I did at lunch, I am thoroughly spooked out. I hear “Africa” playing on the speakers above me, and I choke down this food as fast as I can. I go to the parking lot to move my car to a better spot, and I find one! But alas, it is just a motorcycle parked in a car spot. Tears flow from my face as I cry and cry, but the saddest thing of all is that there was a parking spot open in the first row, and some jerk in a pickup truck took it.

 

Happy Halloween everybody.

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