The Oakland Post

SATIRE: An open letter to Pumpkin Spice Latte Haters

Pumpkin Spice Latte Lover, Satirist

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Dear Pumpkin Spice Latte Haters,

 

Hello from your favorite basic college girl! First off, I would like to start off by saying happy almost autumn. Fall is only a couple weeks away, and the one thing you despise the most is trending again. Pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks.

What I’ve recently discovered on social media are rants about the famous drink from you guys. All I kept seeing were tweets, Facebook posts, Snapchat and Instagram stories from all of you saying things like “OMG PSL’S ARE NOT EVEN THAT GOOD,” or “I DON’T KNOW WHY EVERYONE IS GETTING HYPED OVER PSL’S. IT’S NOT EVEN SEPTEMBER!” Ever since news came out that Starbucks released the drink on Aug. 28, you guys decided to let all the anger built up inside of you out, and for what? An overpriced yet delicious beverage?

It doesn’t stop there either. If I had to count the amount of times someone gave me a dirty look whenever I go up to the barista and order the pumpkin flavored drink, it would probably take hours to do so. If I had a dollar for every time someone gave the famous response, “You’re so basic,” after I tell them I’m planning on grabbing a PSL that day, I would never have to worry about my tuition ever again. Can a girl enjoy her coffee without any judgement!?

While I 100 percent stand behind your right to free speech and expression, I would also like to use those same rights to ask you these questions: What is it about PSL’s coming out early and the actual drink itself bother you so much? Why do you have to be a killjoy every time you see another peer get excited over the drink? Is it the warm weather we are currently having (which I’ll admit is getting under my skin too because my PSLs taste so much better in cool weather), the day Starbucks debuted the latte or the never ending pictures and stories we see on our social media accounts of girls taking selfies and videos with the hashtag #FirstPSLoftheSeason?

You are probably thinking, “Wow, this girl is extremely basic due to her obsession with PSL’s.”

That is partially correct, but not entirely. The reason why I am reaching out to you today is to not only stop you guys from ruining the fun for others, but to help you not ruin your own.

The more you hate on PSL’s, the less you are enjoying fall. Fall is one of the best seasons of the year and I want you to enjoy every minute of it before we face the long and cold winter ahead of us. Spend less time hating on PSL’s and spend more time going to cider mills and college football tailgates, figuring out what you want to wear for Halloween and watching Hocus Pocus over and over again.

Look, I’m not here trying to tell you what to do, but you don’t want to spoil it for others especially yourself. I suggest you let us basic people sit back, relax and enjoy our PSL’s in peace. Thank you!

 

Sincerely,

Your Favorite Basic College Girl filled with sugar, (pumpkin) spice and everything nice.

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