SATIRE: What the OC construction is really about

Investigative efforts of The Oakland Post have recently uncovered a shocking secret kept by Oakland University administration. While the Oakland Center’s renovation may appear to be for the purposes of expanding and beautifying the building, there is a more sinister reason for the improvements.

Emerging from Bear Lake and lurking in the halls of the Oakland Center since its creation in 1959, the creature goes by many names, but is most commonly referred to as Ghoulden Grizzly. Feeding off the stress and anxiety of students, the creature has become too large to go unnoticed for much longer. Though the beloved student center needed updates, construction workers have also been fighting to get rid of the Ghoulden Grizzly.

“I’ve seen it with my very own eyes,” said Oakland student and former Oakland Post satirist Stephen Armica. “I failed a test and was sulking in the Oakland Center when it approached me and sucked all of the hope for my future out of me. It was like one of those dementors from ‘Harry Potter’ except it looked like the Grizz.”

Armica added that he cannot attend any university events at which the Grizz is present because he’ll burst into tears like a small child who got a lollipop taken from them. Also, if you don’t know what a dementor is, you’re an awful millennial and should watch the freaking “Harry Potter” films. Loser.

When The Oakland Post approached university administration about this issue, reporters were given ridiculous answers like “Are you on drugs?” and “This isn’t a science fiction movie.” So clearly, they’re hiding something.

But although no administrators would confirm Ghoulden Grizzly sightings, we here at The Oakland Post don’t mind writing articles based on one questionable source. We totally suck, right?

Well we’re all you’ve got, so deal with it. Sucks to suck.

Although there may only be one questionable sighting of the Ghoulden Grizzly, Oakland officials would have plenty of reason to hide a creature lurking in its student center. For one, having a monster on campus would be, like, a total public relations nightmare. Most students are used to having professors who act like monsters (we’re looking at you, Paul), but a real monster is a totally different story.

Public relations aside, no student wants to attend a school with an actual monster living in one of the buildings. For crying out loud, college is already terrifying. Let’s not throw a soul-sucking monster in the mix.

But anyway, back to the news.

As of print time, construction workers have been unsuccessful in capturing the creature. Maybe that’s because, oh I don’t know, they’re not professional monster hunters? This isn’t amateur hour, Oakland. Call some freaking professionals. (Say it with me, who you gonna call?)

The Oakland Post will continue to provide updates as they become known. Until then, we’ll continue to go about our days here in the Oakland Center writing the news. After all, there’s no need for us to be afraid because journalists don’t have souls anyway, right?