SATIRE: Valentine’s Day guide by someone who’s never had a girlfriend

I’ll admit, I don’t know the intricacies of Valentine’s Day. I don’t know who pays for the meal in this day and age or whether a hug means that they’re marriage material or not.

But I do know one thing, and that’s the fact that I was assigned this topic before I could fully explain my romantic deficiencies.

So the first thing you have to do is pick a restaurant. I don’t know if it’s important whether it’s a McDonald’s or a Michelin-starred bistro. Just make sure it’s not the wrong choice. I picked the wrong restaurant on a practice date with my mother, and we had to dine and dash while tipping the valet 45 cents.

Then you need to pick a movie. I really like the Disney movies on Netflix. My roommates can always tell when I’ve watched a movie I like because I always order a full-size cutout of a Disney princess to practice kissing on.

A gift is always a good idea, too. I once went to Costco to get one of those four-foot teddy bears for a first date. I think the girl was horrified by how thoughtful I was for buying it to commemorate a first date. Although it was really sad to know that she stopped talking to me. Probably because she just couldn’t think of a way to top my gift.

The most important thing to remember is that you need to show people respect when they decide to spend time with you. The more things you do to respect them, the more they like you.

Order their food for them, open every single door and if they’re chilly just take off your t-shirt in the middle of a restaurant so they can have extra layers in the cold. It doesn’t hurt to frantically find the manager to yell that your future wife is freezing in that cheap food stand.

Don’t forget to introduce them to your mother. I like to bring my mother on every first date. She’s a great judge of people. You can just tell by the way my mother stares at every movement that my date makes until it almost becomes too much. I really appreciate my mother.

Now for date ideas. Valentine’s Day is the big night for every date, so take them to someplace special to you. Last year I took my date to paintball and shot her in the face. It’s really important to help them participate in the things you love.

And finally, make sure that they know they’re special to you. There was this one time when a squirrel was staring at the food a girl was eating. When she said it was really annoying to have the squirrel watching her, I ran off and grabbed the squirrel to make him apologize.

That might not have been the best way to do it, but a similar gesture would work really well.

Best of luck to all of you in trying to get people to marry you. I know it’s hard, but just know at least your mother is always around to help.