SATIRE: Satire proposals that didn’t make it to print

Like icebergs, the majority of the work that goes into your weekly satire fix doesn’t get shown. We’ve had thousands of wonderful ideas that couldn’t make it in the issue with our advertising revenue remaining intact. But these ideas, although controversial, reflect the continued effort The Oakland Post makes to help you forget the sad reality for the next 500 words.

So, please enjoy a memorial service of these great ideas that died before their time in a tragic creative accident involving my boss threatening to fire me twice a week.

  1. AI’s next leap forward? Breaking up with my a**hole boyfriend for me.
  2. Chocolate-covered potato chips is where God and the devil shake hands.
  3. How to hire a stripper for Matilda Dodge Wilson’s next birthday celebration.
  4. Ten romantic date ideas for when you finally realize autumn isn’t fun.
  5. Gentrified Detroit isn’t edgy and cool anymore (we’re talking to you, Dan Gilbert).
  6. How to win at online political arguments, assuming you have nothing to hope for in life.
  7. Not to be prejudiced, but people who leave gum under the desks and chairs should be sterilized.
  8. How to steal issues of The Oakland Post and sell them on the black market in exchange for unmarked Kalashnikovs.
  9. Did the Italian mafia actually pay for our university’s opening? Probably not, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.
  10. The insidious truth the government doesn’t want you to know about pumpkin spice lattes.
  11. Ten phenomenological ideas that inspired the creators of “Dora the Explorer.”
  12. Why we are so passionate about keeping you guys informed on important campus news (hint, we get paid).
  13. One Oakland freshman’s completely unrealistic goal of making the world a better place, and why we should all point and laugh at them.
  14. Our yearly “Stephen Armica complaining about his sad life and holding the entire newsroom hostage with a spaghetti noodle until we finally agree to publish it out of pity” column.
  15. Oakland professor is making everyone proud from their sabbatical researching Caribbean resorts.
  16. Bernie Sanders campaign volunteer wakes up from coma: Nobody tells him what happened with the election.
  17. Wanna know the worst thing about being on The Oakland Post? (Editor’s note: there’s nothing wrong with The Oakland Post. This writer was promptly expelled from the university).
  18. Starbucks vs. Biggby: 10 comparisons that will distract you from the Mueller investigation without you even realizing it.
  19. How to assert your dominance in the school parking lot with only $2,000 in car repair costs.
  20. Jennifer Lawrence joins us on campus to use a free bathroom and then nonchalantly gets back in her car, hoping no one noticed.
  21. How to set up your new Au Bon Pain Coffee IV System™.
  22. If you or a loved one has been affected by mesothelioma, you may be entitled to a free half hour of trying to be taught how to pronounce it.
  23. Thirteen things you could be doing with your lunch hour if you weren’t waiting for so f***ing long to get Subway.
  24. Why listening to The Oakland Post satire writer’s mixtape will totally change your life for the better.