SATIRE: Brawl erupts in Kresge Library over free pizza and coffee

In preparation for midterms, Oakland University made the mistake of offering free pizza and coffee on the ground floor of Kresge Library. In the ensuing battle for the limited resources, the library was nearly destroyed.

Nobody knows when the fights exactly broke out. But most agree it had something to do with a student who continuously opened empty boxes of three-meat pizza. Next, someone found the last piece of the rare pizzeria treat, and the two got into an altercation over the remaining slices.

Once people started realizing that the only pizza available was the nearly-poisonous vegetable medley pizza, everyone began vying for the last piece of meat pizza.  One vegetarian student was seen walking out of the library with an evil grin and a whole box of veggie pizza.

“Yeah, I got a good couple of punches in, right,” said Miles Stockington, a British exchange student. “Then this big meaty sod just started barreling through the place looking for this piece of pizza. And I had it in my hands, so I just ran over and kicked the cocker right in the face.”

Stockington talked to The Oakland Post while in police custody. When asked if he would do it again, he said it depended on whether Iron Maiden would be playing at the next one.

Other people actually had an idea of what was going on. Like Leslie Sorensonson, who said that she was fearful and amazed that people would do something like this over pizza.

“People were turning this thing into a cage fight,” Sorensonson said. “I mean people were grabbing chairs and they eventually made brackets to determine who would get this damn slice of pizza. It was fascinating and horrifying.”

But the most striking part about this event to Sorensonson was the level of skill each fighter had.

“I felt like I was watching a damn Bruce Lee movie,” she said.  “There were 360 kicks, one of the weird guys brought his nun-chucks and nobody even seemed to think about the destruction that was happening.”

The destruction Sorensonson was referring to is 13 computers, in addition to the fire damage that happened to the library desk. Nobody seemed to know how the fire started or how it ended.

Safeguards are being placed in order to make sure this doesn’t happen again. According to library attendant Clayton Bigsbriggem, there will be no more free pizza.

“Next time, we’re gonna do vegetable trays,” he said. “Nobody wants that right? Because I don’t want to break up people fighting with nun-chucks again.”

The most important thing, Bigsbriggem said, is to stop letting people watch fighting videos on the library computers.

“I think that had a lot to do with it,” he said. “I thought people were just trying to get a work out in. But nope. It’s like they were training for this or something.”