SATIRE: “Animal House disorder” support group continues to help delusional students.

A support group at Oakland University continues to help students with delusions of constant partying, sex and John Belushi references finally learn to accept the sad reality.

Known as “What did you honestly expect guys?” the group opened its doors to Oakland University in 1983, five years after the summer “Animal House” was released. Since then, it has helped over 20,000 students stop trying to give themselves alcohol poisoning.

“It’s just sad to see these people, who are normal people like you and me, have this difficult time with college,” said faculty director and founder Edna Jones. “Sometimes I can’t even bring myself to tell them that you actually have to do homework.”

People with Animal House disorder usually spend most of their time trying to create devastating shenanigans. Last year alone, over $20,000 worth of school property was either soaked in cheap beer, put in somebody’s underwear drawer or used to create an avant-garde sculpture in a frat house.

“We had people that were so far into the disorder that they could only think about getting on double secret probation,” Jones said. “We don’t even have that here!”

For those suffering from the disorder, life can be extremely fun, especially when it really shouldn’t be. And this can cause problems.

“The day I came to college, I thought it was the best day of my life,” said sophomore engineering major Dan Clayton. “Then it turned into a nightmare. I had to do homework, and the teachers kept yelling at me for never doing anything.”

For Clayton, that meant somehow almost setting Bear Lake on fire. I don’t know how he could’ve done it, and no one will tell me. So I guess that’s really bad.

“I think this group helps me understand that my shenanigans have manifested into some sort of addiction,” Clayton said. “And that addiction is just as damaging as any other, even though it can, and has been made into numerous comedy movies.”

Clayton says that you often don’t know you have the disorder.

“I was so focused on putting rubber cement on every desk in South Foundation Hall I never asked myself why,” Clayton said.

Research is currently underway by the OU psychology department to identify the causes of this disorder. But according to the website, the answer has eluded staff members.

“Our research is completely at a standstill,” said OU psychology professor Darin Gilbertini. “Mostly because I forgot my Amazon Prime password, and I’m not about to spend $2.99 on a movie I can’t even keep.”

Obviously in a situation like this, answers are needed to answer some of the hardest questions. But in the meantime, we can only hope that the people suffering, won’t have to suffer as severely as those poor, poor souls at National Lampoon.

If you or someone you know may be suffering from this disorder, please tell them to fight every prank-related ideation. And to not set Bear Lake on fire.