SATIRE: Albaugh’s Advice Column: Freshman Edition


I know, I know. Who’s this guy “tryna come at me” with another advice column? Who’s this old guy thinking he knows more than me? Well I’m just here to give you little “freshies” some helpful advice on your amazing transition to your new life in college.

So, I’ve opened up a helpful little Q&A just for you freshmen to express your post-puberty concerns. It’s a place where no one is going to judge you and you can ask any questions that you need. I’ve been here quite a while, so I pretty much know what to expect from you little guys.

Now, if I were you, I would take advantage of this. Not a lot of people would stoop down to your level and help you like I am. So just respectfully email your questions from your brand-new Oakland University email, and I’ll post them in my newspaper column. And who knows; maybe if you work really hard you can have a newspaper column just like me someday.

Rebecca H. – Engineering Major: Hey Simon, why do you suck so much?

Okay. Well I don’t know how to answer that, but I can say that college is a pretty humbling experience because most people just can’t deal with mean people like you.

Stanley Q. – English and Journalism Major: Hiya Simon! So are you a graduate student, or are you just too dumb to get through undergrad in less than seven years? 

Okay, I am a junior status in my third year. I don’t understand why you guys are being so mean about this stuff. I’m really just trying to help you guys.

Camille J. – Psychology Major: I’m here to actually ask a genuine question.

Oh my God, thank you. Ask away.

How does it feel to get bullied in college?

Did you guys just come together to dump all of your problems over the internet?

Noah B. – Business Major: If I gave you a million dollars, can I film you crying in front of your emails?

What does that even have to do with college? And how are you guys coordinating this stuff? Is it just one group of creepy old men that picked up a newspaper at Applebees?

Jason S. – Undecided: We’re not a group of old men. Also my question: Why do you suck so much?

Alright, this is over. I’m done with you guys and I’m done with college. You guys are just… just really mean. I can’t believe I tried to be nice to you. I was going to help you with your college problems. But nope. I’m not going to help any of you freshmen again.

And to think we could have been friends!