SATIRE: Zipline highways to be installed at Elliott Tower


Nowshin Chowdhury

Oakland Post editors get picked to test the new zipline from the Elliott Tower

One dream-come-true has taken a drastic turn.

“Ever since it was built, I’ve wanted to climb Elliott Tower,” said Simon Snozzle, senior accounting major.

Snozzle was climbing Elliott Tower as part of the senior Tower Climb when he unexpectedly went into cardiac arrest, presumably after climbing eight flights of stairs while chowing down three Big Macs.

“I was hungry,” Snozzle said.

Fortunately, Wentworth DiPizza, Ph.D. of Clockology, was also participating in the climb. DiPizza is Oakland University’s resident clockology expert, studying the manic obsession OU has with the clock tower.

As Snozzle went into cardiac arrest on the floor of the carillon room, DiPizza jumped into action. There is a special zipline that is hooked up to the wall of the tower especially for this type of situation. DiPizza expertly hooked Snozzle up to the zipline and sent him flying down to the waiting emergency medical services crew.

“The ride down was so beautiful and exhilarating that I totally forgot I was having a heart attack,” Snozzle said.

He couldn’t have been helped by a more qualified expert.

“I took Clock Tower Safety 380 at Harvard and have my Clock Tower Safety Certification renewed every two years, so I was completely prepared for the situation,” DiPizza said.

The heroism of DiPizza and the curiosity of students who haven’t had heart attacks but enjoy the thrill of ziplining have put significant pressure on the administration to install ziplines across campus for a speedier form of transportation.

As a result, four major “zipline highways” will be installed on campus, centering at the clock tower. One zipline will soar students over Bear Lake to Vandenberg Hall. Another will send people to the Upper Fields. The third extends from Elliott Tower to Pawley Hall. The last one will take people to the center of the roundabout off University Drive.

“The construction of the four ziplines will definitely affect normal student life during the construction period, but the reward of efficiently ferrying people across campus will more than make up for it,” said director of OU Transportation, Larry Bussi, in a press release.

As the resident clockology expert, DiPizza was instrumental in designing the ziplines.

“In my 40 years of clockology, I’ve never had a request quite this strange,” DiPizza said. “But it certainly beat the heck out of pulling the dead bodies out of the University of Michigan clock tower.”

The plan has been met with significant resistance, however. One OU Police Department officer, who requested his name be withheld, said that accidents are expected.

“We had a car go into Bear Lake three years ago,” he said. “I am doubtful that students will safely operate the ziplines.”

Bear Bus drivers are worried about their future work, as the zip lines will take away their clientele.

“I am worried that the ziplines will take away all three of my regular riders,” said Bear Bus Driver Katie Korn at a recent anti-zipline protest.

Most students, however, are more than thrilled that ziplines are being installed.

“I live in Oak View, and most of my classes are in Pawley,” said Lisa Junior, a junior studying elementary education. “The ziplines will cut my travel time from nearly 30 minutes down to, like, probably five!”

“I’m just really excited to Snapchat myself on the zipline,” said freshman Tom Toon.

The ziplines are expected to open fall 2018. All students will be required to attend mandatory zipline training. More information on the training will follow.