SATIRE: Advice Column: Ask Simon to solve your nonexistent problems

Last week, I opened my email to those who want to ask me for advice. Some people took me up on it. But like, I write satire, people. You guys should have known it was a joke.

But still, people sent me their sad stories, hoping that I would somehow fix them like a person who actually takes things seriously would. I mean, for Pete’s sake, when someone was angry at me from The Oakland Post, I almost got fired for trying to sneak an article about a boxing match between us into the newspaper. I’m not a serious guy.

Nevertheless, here are my responses. I hope I crushed your hopes and dreams just like mine were when I was 11.

My girlfriend suspects that I’m cheating on her, but I’ve done nothing wrong. I love her, and want to show her that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her. – Jacob H.

Really? This is your problem? It sounds like you SHOULD be cheating on her just because of that. Give her something to worry about because, obviously, she’s looking really hard for something. Or, just break up with her and start dating her roommate. I don’t really care, in case you haven’t figured that out yet.

I want this guy to start liking me, but he seems to be so oblivious. How do I make it known that I like him, so he will finally start to do something about it? – Amy D.

Wait, so it’s this poor guy’s fault that you like him? And it’s his job to make YOUR whole problem of infatuation better? That’s perfectly reasonable. So, here’s what you do: First, you know how people say that guys like classy ladies? That’s totally wrong. Just sex it way the hell up. That’s all I’ll say.

My classes aren’t really going well. By that, I mean I don’t think I’ll pass this semester. How do I go into the next semester without making the same mistakes? – Joanne Q.

I heard McDonald’s hires college dropouts, so don’t worry. It’ll work out for you in the end. Just get used to the smell of fast food because that’s your life now.

I’m worried that I’m in the wrong major. I want to be a musician more than anything, but I’m better at math. Should I give up on my dreams of playing for the Detroit Symphony Orchestra just because I’m better at something else? – Allen W.

Like I said, my dreams of becoming the next great American novelist were crushed when I was 11. Because of that, I’ve always hated when people try to follow their dreams. I hate that people feel like they have the right to work hard, exploit every opportunity to get more practice, look for opportunities to better themselves, try to understand themselves in terms of how they can improve their craft and always try to learn something new. I hate those people, which means I also hate you.