SATIRE: A gentle reminder that finals are coming soon

Think of yourself standing under a waterfall. The water is slowly rushing over you, and the energy is flowing from nature into you. It’s only when you completely let yourself become one with the water and energy that some asshole drops a tire down the waterfall.

That wasn’t a relaxation exercise. It was a metaphor for finals. It’ll sneak up on you like a tire thrown at your head while you’re doing yoga – or whatever people do under waterfalls besides getting soaking wet. The point is, you can’t let this stuff take you by surprise like . . . well, like 50 pounds of rubber to the skull.

So, I’m just here to gently remind you that you’ve probably done nothing since the semester started. You haven’t gone to class at all, and it turns out the textbook you’ve “totally been reading” actually hasn’t been used once in class. I’m just here to be gentle.

You know how it’s been hard to keep your classes straight from one another? I’m looking at you, the one who put as an answer, “John Hancock signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776.” Which, by the way, is wrong. But that doesn’t matter because you wrote it as an answer for a chemistry midterm. You know, I’m gently reminding you that you probably shouldn’t do that again for finals.

I’m just trying to ensure that you make it through this semester. Because, if you don’t, you’re going to be working at a fast-food restaurant for the rest of your life. That’s not a choice either. Trump is probably going to sign a deal with McDonald’s sooner or later. And the lunch rush is NOT as gentle as I’m trying to be here.

What about the depression you’ll fall into when you drop out? If you thought stress was bad, try watching reruns of “Friends” all day while maneuvering around a pyramid of empty Ben & Jerry’s pints. The ice cream will go into your mouth and straight down into your thighs. Then, you’ll aimlessly surf the web for “business-formal sweatpants.”

For the people who think finals are going to be a breeze: Are you sure? I know you’ve been working hard all semester, going to class every day and making sure you do well for yourself, but aren’t you forgetting something? Something small, but really important? I’d check on that if I were you. I really would.

Now am I being the “bad guy” here? Probably. But damn it, if I can help just one of you from the cesspool of missing assignments and failure to learn a single thing this semester, then I’m going to do everything I can.

If I save one person from a life of not having a totally rad bachelor’s degree in “Whatever,” then I’ll consider my job complete. I have finals, too, so I’m kinda low-balling this goal of mine as much as possible. Then again, if I was really studying, I wouldn’t be spending two hours writing this to you.