SATIRE: An end to the fighting between The Post and WXOU

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction.

I’m here to send a laurel of peace to our neighbors at WXOU. I don’t care if you have better stuff than we do anymore. And, hopefully, you guys at the radio station can look forward in friendship despite the troubling past we share.  

For those who don’t know, there’s a little-known secret between The Oakland Post and WXOU. Historically speaking, our organizations have been at each other’s throats since their inceptions.

People aren’t aware of this, but the original founders of each entity did everything they could to sabotage each other.

This started out as a friendly game between the two organizations. Signs on each other’s doors would read, “For utter stupidity, inquire within,” and other childish phrases. This went on for some time, until someone replaced the soundboard, the one in the display case in front of WXOU, with moldy chow mein. The smell was vomit-inducing.

Some people reported seeing the general manager of WXOU carrying large grocery bags filled with Panda Express containers toward WXOU, but many still maintain that it was The Post’s editor-in-chief who did it.

All we know is that when the soundboard showed up in The Post’s office all those years ago, nobody knew how to use the damn thing.

After that, there was an all-out turf war over the basement of the Oakland Center. Oakland University Student Congress and the other organizations mostly stayed out of it. I think they thought I was annoying when I asked if I could borrow a baseball bat “for nonviolent defensive measures.”

After all these years, and mostly after WXOU literally killed one of our interns (not like we care that much, but it’s about the principle), we would like to try to make a peace treaty.

So what if you guys abuse our dark room because you think it’s a kitchen? So what if you guys steal all the communication majors from print journalism? And so what if you guys are probably the bad guys in the situation? I say that despite all this, The Oakland Post is going to be the bigger, BETTER person.

So thank you for being part of OU culture. Granted, I always heard that radio was the easiest way to take advantage of the mass of impressionable students, but if that’s what floats your boat . . .

Maybe I sound petty. Maybe I’m trying to incite feelings of resentment between The Oakland Post and WXOU so that it culminates into an all-out fist fight like I’ve tried to do on multiple occasions to solve my problems (again, sorry about that email, Professor Marlaney). But we really need to do something to solve this problem.

So, I’d like to ask that we amend the past with a new era of tolerance. We’ll stop bashing on you guys for your cool office and fun staff if you stop using our dark room as your personal kitchen.