SATIRE: The 10 best places I’ve been dumped on campus


Illustration by Nowshin Chowdhury

The stereotype is that couples go out on Valentine’s Day, but some couples decide to break up on this special day.

Let’s just admit it: relationships are hard. You have to spend all your time pretending that you don’t want to do stupid stuff with your friends, and then to deal with that pent-up stupidity, you do even dumber stuff with the people you’d rather hang out with.

At least that’s usually how every relationship ends for me. I won’t go into detail because my experiences are really embarrassing. I will say that, when the honeymoon phase ends, that’s still not the right time to call your month long girlfriend for bail money, no matter how rich her father is.

I’m not the best person when it comes to relationships. But being the person who constantly needs to pass on his bad advice, I’ll at least try and tell you something worthwhile.

For everyone who isn’t good at the whole relationship thing either, let me give you this wisdom. When your significant other dumps you after you got kicked out of the dorms for testing the speed of fire alarm reactions 12 times, know these two things: taking a sociology class is not an excuse to be that kind of asshole, and it’s important to choose where to have the “it’s not working out” conversation.

Here’s a comprehensive and definitive list of all my favorite places where I’ve had that conversation. Created after years of research, I hope this proves useful.

The Oakland Center

With its rich ambiance of camaraderie and fun, this is the perfect place to make a scene and force everybody else to deal with your problems too.

The quiet floor of the library

My experience with this is similar to the OC in that, if you cry loud enough, people will come to try to tell you to go somewhere else. This is your chance to get free therapy from people who have a test the following day.

The Engineering Center

There’s nothing better than asking the smartest people on campus how they could possibly go on knowing there’s pain and suffering in this imperfect world.

Vandenberg Hall

It’s a perfect, quiet place to have this conversation – meaning that you could get away with asking a suitemate of your new ex for his or her number.

Hamlin Hall

With new students excited to start a new chapter of their lives, this location provides a good reminder that you probably shouldn’t have been dating a freshman anyway.

The Vandenberg Dining Hall

I don’t know about you, but I like to fill that empty feeling in my stomach with crappy macaroni and cheese or pizza.

The Fireside Lounge

It’s a warm place that reminds you of how cold-hearted the person you dated really is.

In class

Try to have that conversation toward the end of class. However, I’ve had my best ideas for ex-like dragon characters when it happened before one of my creative writing classes. No fiction is complete without dragons.

In front of the library

Usually smoking is a sign of depression. Try and hang out with the people who are depressed and share the sadness.

In P1

When your new ex asks if he or she can take your parking spot, this is the best time to passive aggressively go to the library and make whoever broke up with you find a parking spot a mile and a half away.