SATIRE: Breaking: Roommates struggle to get along


Illustration by Nowshin Chowdhury

Roommates don’t always get along. Sometimes they annoy each other and disrupt their sleep schedules.

Thousands of students live in the on-campus housing here at Oakland University. Many of those students go in blind at the beginning of the academic year, meaning that they won’t know their roommate until move-in day arrives.

Many students meet their new best friend, or at least someone they get along with enough to share a space for a couple of semesters. Going in blind isn’t often seen as a scary experience because most people can work out their differences.

Others aren’t so lucky.

Francine Freshman, a freshman studying biology, said that her roommate isn’t the ideal choice, and she’s not sure if she can make it through the rest of the semester. She reached out to The Oakland Post this week to voice her concerns.

“It’s just awful,” Freshman said. “I thought I knew how to live with someone else, but she just acts like I don’t even exist. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

Freshman elaborated, saying that her roommate plays loud music while she’s asleep, doesn’t help clean, uses sticky notes as her only form of communication and refuses to get new toilet paper rolls from the Hamlin Desk.

The Post caught up with Freshman’s roommate, Suzy Psychopath, a freshman studying journalism, so she could defend herself. According to her, the situation is not that simple.

“My mom did everything for me at home, so I don’t see the problem with my roommate doing the same,” Psychopath said. “My boyfriend says I should be treated like a princess. That obviously means that she should be treating me as such.”

Daniel Doctor, a doctor, said that Psychopath suffers from a common illness referred to as jerkitis. This is more commonly known as being a total jerk to everyone around you. Symptoms include passive-aggressiveness, appearing unable to help with anything and enjoying Nickelback music.

“She does play Nickelback a lot,” Freshman said.

Doctor said that in order to help Psychopath, her roommate should put up a whiteboard and throw away her sticky notes, as well as offer to clean the room together. He also said that getting lunch together sometimes would help strengthen their bond as roommates.

“Psychopath is only a stage-two jerk, so there is still hope,” Doctor said. “If her roommate acts now, she can help save Psychopath from a lifetime of being a total jerk to everyone.”

The Post will follow this case as Freshman sets off to cure her roommate of being a total freaking jerk.

Is your roommate a jerk? Call a doctor today and get him or her some help, before it’s too late. Help the people around you get their acts together and not be insufferable their whole lives.

This has been a public service announcement from The Oakland Post.