The Oakland Post

Filed under Satire, Showcase

Limited time only: Get buried at the clock tower

Hurry, burial plots will fill up fast

Oakland Post employees eagerly claim their spots at the Elliott Clock Tower. Best friends and Golden Grizzlies forever.

Oakland Post employees eagerly claim their spots at the Elliott Clock Tower. Best friends and Golden Grizzlies forever.

Illustration by Megan Carson

Illustration by Megan Carson

Oakland Post employees eagerly claim their spots at the Elliott Clock Tower. Best friends and Golden Grizzlies forever.

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College: the greatest time of our lives. A time of making friendships, learning new things and finding ourselves. If only it never came to an end, then we could all stay at our beloved Oakland University forever.

Have you ever found yourself wishing that very same thing? Well, ladies and gentlemen, look no further.

For a limited time only, OU will be selling burial plots near the Elliott Clock Tower. This will allow students to not only hold the home of the Golden Grizzlies in their hearts, they can actually be here for eternity.

Be sure to show the ultimate level of school spirit and take advantage of one of the 100 spots before they run out. They’ve been set at an affordable price: the cost of one semester here at OU.

Sure, we’re all young and full of life, but why wait to secure your body’s future? Act now and the plot will include:

■A personalized headstone made from the Golden Grizzly statue outside the Recreation and Wellness Center.

■Special graduation chords to show you have the most school spirit.

■Hearse services provided by the Bear Bus.

■A funeral lunch catered by Chartwells.

■A eulogy by The Grizz.

■Free OU T-shirts for you and your loved ones.

The university is also offering a more cost-effective option. Special urn stands will be installed in both the clock tower and the nearby fountain for those who do not wish to be buried or cannot afford the cost.

These smaller, more affordable spots will make great gifts. Christmas, anyone?

“This isn’t exactly what we were thinking when we made the donation,” said a representative from the Elliott family, “but frankly, we’re jealous that we didn’t come up with the idea on our own.”

Unlike the Elliott family, OU students don’t have to be jealous. We now go to the only university where students can be buried in the place they call home for four or more years.

Prospective student Maddie Baese said that this new feature cemented her choice to attend Oakland this coming fall.

“I was looking for a school with lots of features,” Baese said. “I thought it was so neat that students can be buried here, I basically threw my tuition money at the school.”

Current students see it as the ultimate convenience after the difficult workload becomes more than their bodies can handle.

“I mean, final exams are going to kill me anyway, so I might as well just stay here,” said junior Phoebe Wojciechowski. “And the free OU T-shirt really sold it for me. I’m trying to build my collection.”

Others see it as a way to spite the clowns recently spotted on campus.

“When one of those clowns kills me, they’ll think that I’ll be gone from Oakland forever,” said senior John Gossett. “Well, jokes on them, because I’m getting buried here. This school can’t get rid of me.”

In fact, The Oakland Post feels so strongly that these burial plots are a good idea that we are throwing all ethical practice to the side and outright telling you our opinion. The entire staff of The Oakland Post will be purchasing these plots.

Space is limited and plots are selling fast. To reserve a plot, visit

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Oakland University's independent student newspaper.