SATIRE: Satire writer turned president?
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I’ve kept my mouth shut, silently watching this horrifying presidential election unfold. And I can’t stand it anymore.
I’m announcing my candidacy for Oakland University Student Congress president. Not because I want to see this place change for the better, and not to make sure your student experience improves. I’m running for president because I want to party.
Let’s face it, we lose a lot of potential students because this place is dead on Saturdays. The smart people go home over the weekend or get some extra hours at work. But, as Ghandi meant when he said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” I wanna be a damn party campus!
When you get more people living on campus, you get more dorm parties. So, I’m going to propose we get rid of all the parking lots. They’re an eyesore on campus, and they don’t provide anything for the aesthetic. Instead, let’s build dorms.
You might be saying, “But Simon, we don’t have enough money to pay resident assistants as it is. Why do you want a shitshow like that to happen?” Don’t worry, that’s exactly what I want. More RAs creates less dorm parties. You get what I’m saying now?
“And what about all the commuters? They won’t have a place to park now.” I’m not hiding my bias. I hate commuters. They take all the parties off campus, where no one can drive, and they don’t invite on-campus students. Do you want those people in class with you? I thought not.
Now, do you know why this issue hasn’t come up before? Do you know who’s responsible for keeping all of you unsuspectingly in the dark on this grave tragedy? That’s right, the media.
The Oakland Post and WXOU are trying to make you think that parking is the problem. That the people who ACTUALLY party, the frats and sororities, are all a blemish on their beautiful campus. They want you in the dark. They want you to follow blindly through a boring four-year degree.
I’m imploring you, I’m begging you, rise up against this horrible machine. They want to give you jobs, making you cogs and bolts in the capitalist machine without ever truly experiencing what life with parties could actually be.
As it stands, we are gonna end up with a presidency that will be one more year of the same thing. Parking, student experience and student retention. But does that actually do anything? Are you a better, happier person for saving 45 seconds every day on parking? No. No, you’re not.
So, by this time next year, I’m making changes. We’re not moving in a positive direction until people are exhausted at every 8 a.m. class and hungover until lunchtime every day.
Follow my lead, and Oakland will become the greatest party spot in Michigan. People will come to Oakland University until Michigan State University is a ghost town. Let’s “MAKE OAKLAND PARTY AGAIN 2018.”
(I’m Simon Albaugh, and I approve of this message.)