The lost art of talking to people

I’m losing all my friends, guys.

It’s possible that my awkward personality has done me in, but I’d like to blame technology.

I started a Facebook page all those eons ago with friends up the wazoo. Over time, real communication with the world stopped and I got a daily play-by-play of life, 140 characters at a time. Thumbs up to everything!

I have become glued to transferring data at unfathomable speeds. I’m a ghost in this machine. We have no need to leave this place.

I remember the days when there wasn’t an instant messaging system, and we had to wait for our siblings to get off the phone to call someone. If that didn’t work, we would just show up on each other’s doorstep.

If you do that nowadays, you’re assumed to be a stalker or a human-butcher and promptly arrested for not keeping up with the times of texting before knocking.

I know somewhere out there is an old, old man waiting to rap me with his cane over this “good old days” nostalgia because he remembers a land before time where you had to use pterodactyls to send letters and the wheel was the hot new thing.

The cards are really stacked against this new generation in terms of a real social life. I’ve been out with my few remaining friends and all their faces are illuminated. I’m not even sure how to talk to people in person anymore and will send text messages across a room to speak to someone.

It’s become so problematic, I’ve even swallowed my pride and signed up for a dating website.

It started as a joke, but it quickly spiraled down, perfecting all my mirror pictures and middle parts to find that ‘special someone.’

Turns out everyone on dating websites are also anti social freaks that don’t know the first thing about small talk. I had actually gone on one date, where the real conversation was about 11 percent of our on-line banter. Needless to say, that didn’t last very long.

She was into some strange stuff, too. Probably shouldn’t have slathered my dating profile with, “Loves to laugh! Down-to-Earth guy! Adventurous and spontaneous! Willing to try new things!”

If I put accurate personality traits up (dislikes change, refuses to leave house, hates people and emotions) would that garner me any points for honesty? Is honesty still an admirable decoration on someone’s profile?

Society has instilled in us that the loners, the ones that fly solo to the movies are perpetual losers and/or sociopaths. I just wanted to see Fast & Furious 6 and the resurrection of Vin Diesel!

Future generations worry me even more. What are all these borders built of firewalls going to do for the ones raised thinking this is absolutely normal? Kids shoot out of the womb with an iPhone in their hand. Of course after nine months, it’s the parents’ first job to provide them with the iPhone 6.

I can only wish some J.J. Abrams sci-fi electricity-demolishing virus plot would come to fruition and globally destroy Internet connections and all episodes of Revolution.

Maybe I am a conspiracy theorist with extreme paranoia. Perhaps I am the only drama queen hit so drastically on the issue, but I guarantee it’s had an effect on all of you in some fashion. The invention designed to connect the entire world is slowly wedging us apart. And I miss all of you terribly.