When coming up with Valentine’s Day themed stories for this week, I have to admit I was initially stumped. Everyone else had already thought of the staples like love songs and chocolate teddy bears, and quite frankly, I did not have much to offer.

Let’s be real here — from a quick peruse through any of the content I have produced in this here publication, it is abundantly clear that love — or being serious — is not my forte. I can’t give you the perfect Valentine’s Day gifts or book recommendations, but do you know what I can give you? Niche pop culture commentary.

So naturally, my gift to you in this week leading up to Valentine’s Day is a list of haunting celebrity couples I think would break 2023.

1. Harry Styles and Julie Bowen

The first couple I thought of — and the one that inspired the creation of this list — was Harry Styles and Julie Bowen. To the untrained eye, this pairing might seem a little out of the blue — but there is actually some pretty heavy lore here. 

Bowen has been thirsting over Styles regularly on various public platforms for well over a year now, and even explicitly declared on “The Ellen Show” that she would “come out of dating retirement for Harry Styles.”

Her most recent move was standing in the pit at one of Styles’ shows in Los Angeles with a light up sign that read, “Harry, I’m old but I know what I’m doing.” I just think he would dig Claire Dunphy’s vibe — and cinema.

2. Leonardo DiCaprio and anyone over the age of 25

I have to admit, this is a lazy one. At this point, we’ve all seen the Twitter graph of how DiCaprio is incapable of being in a relationship with a woman over the age of 25. The evidence has been compiled, the joke has made its rounds, your least funny friend thinks they came up with it, etc. 

The joke is tired, I agree, but I honestly feel obligated to make it until it is no longer relevant. Your move, Leo.

3. Pete Davidson and himself

Davidson is the anti-Leo to me. Cazzie David to Ariana Grande to Kate Beckinsale to Margaret Qualley to Kaia Gerber to Phoebe Dynevor to Kim Kardashian to Emily Ratajkowski.

As evidenced by that insane dating progression, Davidson is whimsically unpredictable. However, dating Pete Davidson has honestly become a rite of passage at this point in the entertainment industry, and I think it’s time for my man to look inward. 

He also shaved his head Shawn Mendes-style recently, so maybe this is a good time for some other life changes. 

3. Glen Powell and Zoey Deutch

I know I am not alone on this. After watching “Set It Up” — the 2018 masterpiece that revived my previously dead hope for a perfect modern day rom-com — I need Glen Powell and Zoey Deutch to come together in 2023. I watched those press junkets and I’ve seen the TikTok edits — that chemistry simply cannot go to waste.

(Katie Silberman, if you are reading this, I would actually do anything for a “Set It Up” sequel. Just putting that out there.)

4. Andrew Garfield and the Chicken Shop Girl

Amelia Dimoldenberg — “Chicken Shop Date” creator and queen of uncomfortable deadpan humor — truly shook up Andrew Garfield, and it was refreshing to watch. After just two run-ins on the red carpet, almost every scroll on my For You page has gifted me with practically identical edits of these two, and I eat each and every one of them up.

The banter, the awkwardness, the inability to ask a serious question… give us that date!

Bonus: Ben Affleck leaves J.Lo for Dunkin’ Donuts