Throw away your television

Throw+away+your+television

By Brian Figurski

There’s an epidemic blanketing the United States right now. It’s an issue that’s been growing, like a massive hernia on our pelvic floors, and it seems like now is the time for a rupture. I speak of the crisis in binge watching.

However, before you assume I’m pointing my fingers at Netflix, Hulu Plus or any other the myriad insta-television services, there is no fault there. No, it’s each one of us that holds the blame.

As of late, many critics have come out against this idea that these new tools promote overindulgence of our thoughtless minds with moving media marathons. I am most familiar with Netflix’s services, and it is true that after watching anything, it will either automatically start another episode or give you a plethora of other programs to watch without moving more than your index finger.

I have this consistency when I start a season of television, I’ll watch a couple episodes before bed and have lucid dreams of cooking meth or murdering serial killers or whispering to dogs, and in the morning, even before breakfast, I’m right back at it again.

And I solemnly swear breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

But I’m quick to realize it’s my hand that grabs the remote, my finger that hits the power button.

The other day, I was up until 2:30 a.m., fully aware I had to get up in three and a half hours for work. And I wasn’t even watching a Netflix program! I was stuck on that new True Detective show, a case in which I had to physically go out of my way to get the show on my God-blessed wall-mounted TV across from my bed.

Then I slept through my alarm and was late to the job. Which really ruined my plans for watching another episode in the morning. I mean, I was sure who I was my entire life, but McConaughey, I swear. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

So if we’re even considering outlawing Netflix’s services, let’s get the DVR out of here, too. It’s mangled the way we used to watch TV. To hell with the idea that we’re very busy people with hectic timetables and not able to be home at 9 p.m. on Thursday!

While we’re there, let’s ban everything that can garner an addiction. No more cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, junk food, gyms, medicine, energy drinks, cereal, coffee shops, video games. The world is looking pretty blank at this point, isn’t it?

Granted, binge watching doesn’t carry the same albatross as binge drinking or eating, but it’s clearly becoming our favorite addiction.

It’s not TV’s fault you watched the entire season of House of Cards over the weekend, nor is it Texas Hold ‘Em’s fault you emptied your bank account, nor is it Jack Daniel’s fault you slapped your girlfriend on Tipsy Tuesday. It’s the user for abusing the product.

But hey, we’ve all gotten good at witch hunting over the last 200 years here, so why stop now?

Which reminds me, I have to catch up with “American Horror Story.” Sorry, Professor, I’ll be missing class for a couple of days.