Mouthing Off: Not your momma’s breakfast burrito

By Brian Figurski

Usually I try not to get lit in the morning. I find that cracking open a bottle is like opening a can of Pringles – once you pop, you literally cannot stop until you pass out in a fireball of vomit. Or whatever the slogan is.

But I’m going to have to if I want to experience this new “revolutionary” Taco Bell breakfast menu. The hacienda doors to the general overweight public March 27. I can only hope this means they’ll start serving liquor before noon, too.

Taco Bell’s gut-wrenching sacrifices include a slew of “traditional” Breakfast Burritos, the A.M. Crunchwrap, sugar-coated, sugar-filled puffballs Cinnabon Delights and the ambivalent Waffle Taco, a heinous creation from the mind of some monster that defies the laws of God.

These on-the-go breakfast items will require lining the highways with port-a-johns for the miserable morning commuters with bad instinct.

The thing that really irks me the most isn’t that this is happening – Taco Bell is an exploding fast-food restaurant for better or worse and like all companies trying to net a bigger income off the 99 percent, they’ll chase any marketing opportunity unturned. But what the Hell do any of these things have to do with south of the border cuisine?

Like the rest of the menu, nothing. It’s not really Mexican food. The definition of taco is pretty vague, but its only real component is the tortilla. Taco Bell can wrap dog biscuits in a flour tortilla and call it a taco.

So how is a waffle shell a taco? It’s a stereotypical reference to one of our favorite finger foods. But then again, the American idea of other cultures is a projected image of stereotypes in and of itself.

And I’m not sure when or why the rest of you consume the guilty pleasures of Taco Bell, but I exclusively devour it in drug and alcohol-induced rampages, so any Crunchwrap is an A.M. Crunchwrap. I feel bad for the people who are going to ingest this nonsense, but I’ve been on both sides of the counter in my life, and I truly pain for the employees. Not only are they going to have to deal with an exponential amount of non-lucid patrons stinking of Patrón, but in order to meet the needs of the meek and hungry, Taco Bell is now opening at 7 a.m., three hours above the old regimen.

Now I have never worked for Taco Bell. Maybe they differ from other fast food joints. Maybe they offer stock options to their employees. Maybe they have attendants in the employee lavoratories offering free hand drying and mints. Maybe the experience is vastly different than my stint in food service.

But I doubt workers get any more respect from mouth-wise customers than any other eatery. Now they too must endure the bitterness of people lacking their caffeinated consciousness, that will surely lash out over a soggy waffle.

But what do you expect? It’s fast food. Breakfast is going to be the same as lunch or dinner or fourth meal and you are using your stomach as an experimental garbage disposal unit. Best of luck to the endeavors of taco fiends. I hope you find whatever it is your looking for, and perhaps a shot or two spiked in your cups.