Heartache. Loss. It sits coiled like a viper in the desert, waiting to strike venom into the veins of the unsuspecting victim. It can come at any time of any day. Or mostly whenever you traverse the desert.

Some of you may have had a wonderful spring break (is that what we’re calling this weather? Spring?) but some of our Golden Grizzlies, I’m sure, we’re dealt a crap hand and had to deal with the self-destructive trauma.

I may have been one of those emergency poison victims.

While psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross developed the five stages of grief over 50 years ago, the times have evolved. Technology has changed, the social landscape is altered and as such, our society has changed how we handle ascending the little staircase.

Consider the following an extension of that list, in a format of what spiral not to descend down.

Don’t put the timeline together. This is the first gateway drug that sets off the chain for all other consecutive negative actions. Whether this trauma you will feel at some point is your fault, or not, do not dwell upon it. This is easier typed than actually accomplished.

Do not blast your dirty laundry on social media – Facebook, Twitter, school newspaper. You may be the person to shroud your words in curly metaphors or be up front and say, “Yo dawgs: Becky’s a huge bitch!” Either way, you are in an irrational state of idiocy. Don’t be a moron and understand there are two sides to each story.

Don’t frivolously empty your bank account. This is the retail therapy phase. We try to reinvent ourselves after tragedy and physically alter ourselves from what we lost. This tends to be an issue when you have a credit card and a void in your life. Your life will not fix itself with a new hair cut, color or a plethora of new outfits. Suck it up and keep on your ratchet shoes.

Don’t drive drunk. I know that should be a given, but there comes a new phase of self-help grievance counseling that is a dependency phase. It can be upon people, but it mostly turns into a breathy, boozy situation. You will puke down the side of your car barreling down the interstate. If you’re going to drink (and you will drink), stay inside and cry your baby heart out.

Location multiplied by three: we are human. We exhibit an awesome array of emotions. It is perfectly understandable to express any of them. But not while you’re at work.

There will be dire times. The planet doesn’t stop spinning, however, and you will have a routine to carry on. If you have no routine or any places to be on a weekly basis, you are lazy and will be eaten by the sharks once you graduate.

But utilize your time and cry at home. Cry in your car. Don’t cry in front of your coworkers until your eyes are as pink as that new tie you spent $30 on. I know U2’s “With Or Without You” is a trigger song, and it’ll be hard, but slam your head on something hard instead. Don’t break down in public.

I’m not saying these will all happen to you. I’m not even saying all of these have happened to anyone I have ever lived as. I’m just saying I’d laugh at that Figurski.

It’s not worth it, especially if you find out you’re just batshit crazy and things always get better. Or they get worse and you die. But at least you know you left without imploding like a trainwreck.