It’s the end of the world as we know it

By Josh Soltman

Civilization is doomed. Life as we know it is ending. So grab a case of beer and that stack of Playboys and head to the basement, because the end is nigh.

OK, maybe we aren’t completely doomed yet. How many times have we been warned of an impending catastrophe only to wake up the next day to the same boring life? But like it or not, I think we are getting closer.

Last week, Safa Motesharrei, an applied mathematician at the National Socio-Environmental Synthesis Center, published a report basically condemning all civilization to a destructive demise within just a few decades because of climate change, technology advancing more than we can handle, etc. Scary stuff, huh? I got pretty freaked out reading the report as I burned a bunch of coal and threw my plastic water bottle in the middle of a grass field for no reason.

So here it is: another doomsday prophecy. Most of us have been desensitized to the idea of an apocalypse thanks to all the nut jobs out there spewing fire and brimstone in the media every month or two. I mean, if Nostradamus had been right about any of his prophecies the world would have ended like 14 times already.

The most recent apocalyptic scare came in December of 2012 when the end of the Mayan calendar was apparently supposed to spell doom for us all. It was one of the most ridiculous ones in my lifetime. The fact that anyone would believe that a civilization that couldn’t stay alive predicted the end of the world is pretty funny to me. As ridiculous as it was, I still found myself huddled in the corner in my underwear, crying myself to sleep waiting for the end.

Then there’s always that pesky possibility of a zombie outbreak waiting around the corner. I’m not too worried about this one, though. If “The Walking Dead” has taught me anything, it’s that the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse is to gather with a group of terrible actors and spend the days living out boring, melodramatic plot lines. Simple enough.

The most likely scenario to play out is something along the lines of what Montesharrei was prattling on about. The sad thing is that it’s our fault. Every time I want to try and care about the environment I find myself too far from the recycling bin, so I’m literally forced to throw my plastic bottle in the trash. It’s a struggle.

If I’ve learned anything during my 22 years on this planet, it’s these two things: doom is always around the corner and girls really don’t like me. I’m more concerned with a Detroit sports team not being terrible than with asteroids raining down.

And if the world ends, that’s fine. I’ll just have to make sure I have a laptop, high-speed internet and a really good antivirus software in case I survive.