Freshman Friday is real

By Kaseb Ahmad

This is a personal message to all incoming freshmen. Freshman Friday is real.

Every high school horror story you heard? They are coming back to haunt you on your way to college. You thought you finally outgrew the childish nose pickings of your lackluster peers. I am here to tell you that in college we pick even harder. And even deeper.

How childish did you think it was when Sally posted a Facebook status telling you about how she is “so tired of all the drama” (that she so obviously stirred up) so she can’t wait for “ninth grade” to leave it all behind? Or that Ben got suspended for jumping through a window on the first floor (true story)?

You thought that finally, after all this time, you would finally outgrow these people.

Well poor sod, I have got news for you. All those stories that festered in your brain about “Freshman Friday” scaring your pink pajamas in middle school were misplaced.

They were preparing you for the ever-so-enlightening truth about your university experience. I will say it again: Freshman Friday is realer than that acne under your concealer.

But the pranks are different. Sadly, the creative juices that flowed so freely in you young tykes in the past will have been used up by the time you start your classes here.

This is not some elaborate plan put together by the upperclassmen preying on the underclassmen. The pranks are pulled by the professors (cue audible gasps from the audience).

Professors have a wicked sense of humor. They think it is hilarious to give you deadlines on Friday nights! I am literally crying from laughter, with real tears that are not actually from laughter.

Did I say Freshman Friday? Whoops, slip of the keyboard. I meant to say that this is Everybody-Falls-Prey-To-The-Professor’s-“Pranks”…Friday.

I know you thought the reticent nature of high school might be something you left behind as you entered your formative years. You thought “college” was synonymous with “partying.” Perhaps you even thought that you might actually be able to do things like have a life.

The truth is I am being a little hard on the professors. This is not a weekly or even a monthly occurrence. It is most likely to fall on the Friday before finals week unless you have a major like communication or journalism. In that case, party on.

If you are wondering if I am exaggerating, the answer is no. I am understating. Just remember this as you slowly transition into your university life: stay scared, you will thank me later. And finally, just remember that this year is not an end-all be-all.

You are allowed to explore. You are allowed to have fun. Because by the end of your freshman year, you probably screwed it up anyway and will have to start over.