One of the most hotly debated topics across our glorious nation is whether or not marijuana should be legalized — or at least decriminalized. Stoners all across the country fight daily for their right to be free to rot their brains on a daily basis.

Hippies have been battling the establishment since the 1970s trying to get pot legally back into their lives, and to this day about a quarter of the states in America have either decriminalized or completely legalized non-medical marijuana use. Yay America.

That is a blatantly sarcastic “Yay America,” by the way. I despise the idea of legalizing marijuana with every ounce of my being. If you really want to ingest something that will impair your judgment, just follow my lead and do what I do: drink a fifth of vodka and sleep with a couple of fugly young women.

Regardless of my reservations about the subject, it appears that nobody can stop the weed train from steaming across the nation. The latest state to succumb to decriminalizing pot is Pennsylvania, which will happen sometime in the near future. It will be the biggest state to date to legalize it.

Penn residents will be lucky enough to have 1,000 cheesesteak joints nearby to choose from every time they burn one. There’s going to be a lot more brotherly love going around from now on.

For all you pro-pot folks who think that I am just an idiot, you should know that I am not a total fool. I do realize that there are some positives. Increased tax revenue, more jobs created and less “small offenders” in our nation’s prisons (not to mention all the party store owners who’s potato chip and Slim Jim sales go through the roof).

But don’t feed me the bullshit line that, “Oh, it’s so medicinal! I have glaucoma that, for some reason, can’t be cured by any actual medicine, only weed! Weed is great! I love weed!” If you say that, I will weep for you. Also, I will probably throw a bag of ice at your head.

Then there’s that venerable argument that weed is from the earth; a natural remedy placed here for mankind’s benefit. Sounds reasonable. So go ahead and sprinkle some poison ivy on your pasta. Take some crude oil and pour it in your coffee to get that new-machine smell.

Dig through some cow dung and find some of those earthly mushrooms that are so beneficial to humans. Give them to children; then let the children play in a volcano since everything from the earth is wonderful and serene.

In typical American fashion, most people decide to just ignore the studies that have been done that point towards brain damage in long-term pot users. They are super excited to explain how it’s not addictive like cigarettes, so it must be better in the long run. These are likely the same people who park on the on the ends of the aisles in P1, blocking traffic and expect me not to angrily ram their vehicles.  

If everyone is so adamant on smoking dope all day, we might as well just allow it everywhere. Let’s let people light up in class. Who doesn’t want to blaze a doobie while writing a paper on Aristotle? Weed is supposed to set one’s creativity free. The evidence shows that it works since I am a prime example of a non-smoker who literally has no discernible talents or skills to speak of. 

Maybe I should get some of my animal-shaped bongs out.