As the summer winds down and we all start to settle in to yet another year of scholarly fun, I find myself far from excited.

About 20,400 students are projected to attend our institution, with 2,569 of those being freshman. Maybe I’m a little jaded since I’ve been attending this establishment longer than some of you have been born, but I always find it hilarious when I see all those young, smiling freshman faces, so full of life and ready to tame this beast we call Oakland University.

They are ready for new opportunities, new experiences and most of all, new friends. Let me give you freshman the wisest piece of advice you could ever obtain: you won’t make any friends, and you’re a fool for trying.

OK, maybe you wouldn’t be a fool for trying, but the first part is true. You are doomed here.

Welcome to college. Now, you may be thinking that I’m friendless because I am a narcissist who’s in a constant whirlwind of depression and self-loathing (a quick glance at any of my previous etchings for this humble publication would corroborate the fact that I am a pathetic worm), but I can only work with what I know. With all my time spent not hanging out with friends I have been able to figure some stuff out.

Let’s back up a little bit. Remember high school? That glorious place where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter? If you are anything like me, you probably thought that your high school friends you’d been hanging out with for years would still be around once you enter the real world, but chances are they will disappear.

According to a survey that I made up, 100 percent of your high school friends will abandon you for more interesting and attractive specimens. My friends scattered to the corners of the globe almost immediately after we received our diplomas.

Even if you soon find your real-life friends list diminishing quickly, there are still a lot of neat things coming up on the horizon: another year of waiting in line at Subway for an hour just to spend 10 dollars on two pieces of bread with mechanically processed meat and veggies inside; another year of trolling the pavement warriors who stalk students just trying to find their vehicles; not to mention all the free scantrons that make the yearly tuition hike and having no friends all the more worth it.

But don’t worry guys, just because everyone in your life will probably leave you, that doesn’t mean that you can’t still find a way to wade through the school year. Luckily, some poor, lonely sap formulated ideas for things like Netflix, Nick at Nite and bottomless chips and salsa at Chili’s. Thankfully, we live in the most egocentric nation on the planet so it is fairly easy to find ways to occupy the time all by your lonesome.

Being alone does have its advantages too, you know. You will be able to dedicate more time to your studies and less time to seeing how many Bud Lights you and your buddies can guzzle while throwing a ping pong ball around like a child. You can learn to be independent, doing things on your own instead of relying on your pals to lend a hand.

Unfortunately, it can have some disadvantages, as well. Spending too much time in isolation with no one to talk to, no one to argue or laugh with, can drive a person to become an insane sycophant who secretly believes he is better than everyone else; i.e. me.

So, here’s a warm welcome to all you incoming freshman who are ready to start the next phase of your lives. You guys can either listen to my advice or call me an idiot: both are pretty much the right thing to do.

But before you judge me too harshly, remember that in five years it could be you sitting in this chair and writing about how everything sucks; and when that happens, I will be laughing at you all the way from my mom’s basement.