The Oakland Post life survival guide

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Michael Pearce

Listen to these seven’s wisdom to prosper in life.

Oakland Post Staff

Here we are, at the end of yet another academic year. As some of us graduate and some of us remain at The Oakland Post, it is the responsibility of the elite journalists to dish out Mrs. Nancy style advice to the loyal readers of our weekly tabloid.

As a token of appreciation for reading our work this year, we’re giving back to our community in the form of some life advice. We all need self-help, so here’s the best way to improve your life after COVID-19 has ruined it.

Michael Pearce, Editor-in-Chief: The best form of self-help was taught to me by Steve Harvey. Get delusional! Adopt a narcissistic personality and claim nothing is ever your fault. That’s the best way to be happy these days. 

Jeff Thomas, Features Editor: With sunny days on the beach right around the corner what better way to perfect your beach-bod than with Papa John’s “40 pizzas in 30 days challenge”? This revolutionary diet and skin care routine will have you shimmering like a Greek God in no time. Papa John’s “40 pizzas in 30 day challenge”: the only challenge scientifically proven to seep Papa John’s all-natural pizza oil from every pore, gland and orifice on the human body.

Emily Morris, Managing Editor: Off to a good start — reading the best newspaper on campus. The only next step is listening to our Buzzfeed-style advice: go feel the sunlight, finish your classes strong and only then, we’ll tell you which Disney princess you are.

Lauren Reid, Sports Editor: To improve your mental health as we head into summer, spend 24 hours perusing social media. On TikTok, check out all the cute little relationships you don’t have. On Pinterest, spend hours pinning “NYC penthouse inspo” photos for the NYC penthouse you don’t have. Saving the best for last — Instagram will allow you to really feel great about yourself. I love seeing ‘The Bachelor’ stars make millions while I can’t afford guacamole at Chipotle. 

Cayla Smith, Campus Editor: Retail therapy is my favorite form of self-help — especially — when it comes to shopping for the summer. Splurging on tons of clothes and shoes that I’ll never wear, but seeing the accumulation of things in my room keeps me going knowing that I’m borderline hoarding. 

Jess Orlando, Staff Reporter: One of the best ways to improve your mental health over the summer is to soak up that vitamin D. One can achieve this nutritious vitamin through a thirst quenching Sunny-D or better yet go outside and directly absorb the sunlight through photosynthesis. Don’t worry about sunblock because melanoma is just a side effect of vitamin D. 

Bridget Janis, Staff Reporter: Live in the moment and take a minimum two-hour nap whenever you feel like it. Remember, the goal of these naps isn’t to actually make you feel well-rested, it’s to distract from your responsibilities and make you feel like a real-life Garfield. If I’m being honest, I was forced to write this, and it’s given me an existential crisis. The best thing you can really do for your mental health is not join the Post.