Guide to surviving Thanksgiving

Guide+to+surviving+Thanksgiving

Autumn Page, Staff Reporter

If you’ve been to the greatest store on Earth, Tarjeé. If you went anytime in October, then you’d know what time it is: the dreaded time of the year where polar opposite families make each other suffer for a whole day. 

Thanksgiving! A holiday celebrating genoci— I mean family.

You might be wondering “Autumn! How on Earth do you deal with Thanksgiving with TWO conservative families?!”

Well… not well. 

Here’s a list of how to deal with family members who you don’t like or have extremist politician opinions and won’t let anyone have other opinions! 

INVEST IN HEADPHONES 

Now, this might seem like a no-brainer, but it is wonderful. If JackJack, the 11 year-old cousin, can get away with listening to YouTube on his iPad the entire time we ~gather~ for Thanksgiving and eat in the two-person kitchen… then so can you. 

“STIR THE POT”

This plan works especially well for families with small, young and impressionable children. Make your family DREAD Thanksgiving dinner! Teach kids swear words, “bad behavior” and that they have *gasp* freedom! A lot of parents, especially from my knowledge, like to instill that kids only have the freedom to do something with parental consent. I’m not talking about anything insane like dropping out of school, but being able to buy something if they have the money and the ability to express themselves. So at Thanksgiving, “STIR THE POT” and when Aunt Karen calls, enraged you taught her kid the word “shit,” you’ll know your job is done. 

SAY YOU’RE SICK 

You wanna be a little risqué this year and ensure that Thanksgiving isn’t held at your house? Give a little cough cough and a shiver. Boom, they’ll think you either have the flu or COVID-19 and let you sit this year’s live, laugh and love Thanksgiving out. 

START A FIGHT AND LEAVE

If you’re anything like me, you have ~ different ~ politician opinions than everyone else in the room, and the people in said room have no issue talking shit about what you believe in. To get out of this situation altogether you can:

  1. Be quiet and ignore them (least fun option)
  2. Start a fight by saying something that is controversial but shouldn’t be because it’s a human right and leave. 5/10 stars on the fun scale. 
  3. Finally, tell them something, or show them something, that’ll disappoint them all and disown you. This could be anything from a new tattoo or hair color, anything “liberal.” 10/10 stars on the fun scale, my personal favorite. 

GET A NEW FAMILY BECAUSE FAMILY ISN’T BLOOD 

I feel like this might be my most ~ controversial ~ one yet, but yes, family isn’t always blood. If you’ve followed me since I started as a contributor here, which I doubt anyone besides my family has, then you’d know I don’t have much. The blood I do have are really shitty people. 

Especially the older I get, the more I realize that the people I call family are because they treat and respect me more than my actual blood ever did.