Network news begin search for worst debate moderators

Jeff Thomas, Features Editor

Washington D.C. — With the 2020 presidential election debate cycle coming to a close last Thursday, major news networks have begun scouring the earth for the worst possible candidates to moderate the 2024 presidential debates.

The primary scuttlebutt around Capitol Hill this weekend concerned how news networks can carry the momentum of 2020’s disastrous presidential debates into the 2024 election cycle. 

Reports indicate that media war rooms across the country are scrambling to make sure this lightning in a bottle of absolute trainwreck political drama doesn’t slip through the cracks of their fingers.

Stu Pedaz, associate executive vice president of internal marketing television broadcast news production at News Corp, explains the news networks’ desperate thirst for the next big debate moderating star. 

“The 2020 debates were insane,” said Pedaz. “You had Trump out there calling Biden’s kid a drug addict and egging on white supremacist groups. I mean the dude literally made fun of Biden for wearing a mask and then was in the hospital with COVID two days later. Hollywood can’t write material this good. Trump’s mouth is a force of nature. But, Trump won’t be running in 2024. And, I mean, how likely is it that we’re going to get two candidates like this again. So, the only way to ensure the kind of drama that draws ratings is to up the ante with our debate moderators.”

And upping the ante they are. Reports this weekend indicate that all major multi-media conglomerates are fully intent on lurching their wretched tentacles to the darkest corners of the globe as they look for uniquely horrific debate moderating talent. 

This early in the search, all manner of deranged humanity and exotic wildlife remain on the table. There are even rumors that Tesla has begun developing debate moderating cyborgs. The eight-foot tall abominations against god are said to be armed to the teeth with air horns and taser guns. Pedaz elaborated on the matter.

“Listen — that Elon Musk is always cooking up something,” Pedaz said. “Frankly, I think it’s genius. Anytime a candidate is courteously belaboring some point that isn’t escalating the tension then, BOOM! Air horn. Anytime a candidate starts expressing a perspective that’s not in the best interest of corporate America, then Elon’s terminator hits them with that taser and next thing you know they’re flopping around like a fish on the debate stage. I love it! People are gonna eat this up.”

Las Vegas is even getting in on the fun and excitement, as dozens of money lines went out amid all the speculation this weekend. A reported $17 billion in bets have already been placed on who the awful debate moderator might be. Surprisingly, the odds aren’t exactly what you’d expect.

While Tesla’s terminators are currently heavily favored to win if the networks decide to go with a cyborg option, the odds of the carbon based life form category indicate a scintillating field of potential moderators. Some of the likelier candidates that have emerged include: Daniel Day-Lewis reprising his “There Will Be Blood” role as a sociopathic oil tycoon, former UFC champion Connor McGregor and the perceived feisty dark horse — 30 to 50 feral hogs.

While news networks are beaming with excitement over these prospects, some United States citizens are concerned that debates are getting too much away from the purpose of helping voters decide how to cast their ballots. When asked about those concerns, Pedaz had this to say.

“It is true that some may have viewed the 2020 debates and felt like they were watching American democracy collapse before their eyes,” said Pedaz. “But that’s not what I saw. Everytime Trump opened his mouth I saw ratings baby! And ratings equal money. What could be better than that?”