The last few weeks in politics have felt like a punch in the face with every Twitter refresh. Allow me to provide some solace and sway you toward the only logical choice in this election between your weird grandfather and an illiterate brat — that’s right, I said illiterate.

Ever since Donald J. (“for genius”) Trump has been on my radar for something more valuable than his cameo in “Home Alone 2,” I have held a strong belief that he cannot read.

Flashback to 2015. You’re 15 years old in your Physics class with two minutes until the bell. You’re arguing with a classmate — he suffers from early onset Tr*mp-supporter syndrome. It is your moral duty to heal him from such, and what do you do? Suggest his lord and savior, and illustrious “The Apprentice” host, cannot read.

The initial reaction you receive is one of disgust and dismissal, but after some time, he simply cannot disagree. Who is the young brilliant mind to convince him of this? Check the byline. 

The face of U.S. fascism has never had a need to read in his decrepit lifetime, and I can prove it. 

College degree: because education apparently can’t be bought

The fat monster has a bachelor’s from the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, which many people seem to take as some sort of accomplishment. As we have seen time and time again during Zoom University, receiving a college education does not signal any signs of intelligence, especially when someone with a fat wallet and little moral obligation is concerned. 

According to his dearest niece Mary, the illiterate fool paid someone to take his SATs.  There’s clearly nothing holding him back from paying someone to write his exams and essays as an “economics” major (also, seriously? He literally majored in economics, and we still live like this? Embarrassing). 

If he didn’t need to read during his college or high school experience, what use would he have for it at any other time? He has servants for that. 

It’s the inability to write a 240-character sentence, for me

Our Twitter KING (or dictator?) has proven time and time again that he cannot spell nor read — failure to recall QAnon retweets ring a bell? Now I refuse to play on tired millennial jokes like covfefe, but the typos are insane. Just admit defeat and use voice-to-text.

“What about ‘Art of the Deal’? Just because he makes a mistake typing on Twitter doesn’t mean he can’t write, he’s a published author!!” 

OK Johnathan David, I guess you’ve never heard of ghost writing. I’m a 20-year-old, and I’ve ghostwritten over a dozen projects, what makes you think future “top five worst president” wouldn’t hire some chump to do the same?

They really give anyone a driver’s license, huh

Little Boy Billions was born into money, so I find it shocking he has a license in the first place. Totally ignoring the fact that he couldn’t even read his own plastic square of information when sharing his height with the public (every inch counts), what use does Lil’ Don have for a license?

As someone who has taken the driving exam without paying someone else to do it for me, as most normal and regular people do, I needed to be able to read the words on the page to select a choice on the written exam. I also needed to be able to read the street signs when operating a motor vehicle. 

I have never seen Trump drive a car (golf carts don’t count, champ). 

Let’s face it. This little bitch can’t read — hopefully to the point where he marks a fat vote for Joe Biden.