After tireless and intense research, I have come to the conclusion that Oakland University has been controlling our grades through a deeply complicated mind control technique — the water is drugged. 

I know what you’re thinking — “what the hell is she on?” — and the answer is not the Oakland water. The time I’ve spent away from campus has let my cloudy mind become clear again. I have only done poorly in my classes because the university wants me to fail.

Think about it. You’re in the basement of the Oakland Center, you’re on your way to your next class. You stop to fill your water bottle up, totally ignoring the mysterious crust that has formed on the drinking fountain. You drink. The. Water. Now you’re on your way to the next class, full of H2O+ (the plus is still ambiguous). 

It’s the plus that makes you fail your classes. It’s the plus that got you that C on that paper. It’s the plus that made you miss half the questions on the exam. The plus. 

Now, why would the university want you to fail? To take more of that tuition money, baby. They just want you to stay in school forever, paying them thousands of dollars and crying lower class tears of frustration in the financial aid office. How else are they gonna get these students to fail their core classes over and over again without drugging the water.

The water is the obvious choice. Every single student who has failed a class has also drank the campus water. Coincidence? I think not. If you have failed a class and have never had a drop of OU water in your system, hit me up immediately, we need to talk.

No student should fail a class on their own merit — we were all smart enough to be admitted, so there is no reason for us to suddenly not do so hot in our classes. Tough professors, mental health pressure, adjustment to new learning and difficult curriculum are absolutely not reasons for any student to ever perform poorly in a class. It must be some sort of outside variable that is affecting student success. 

The water is a simple means of mind control. The government has been doing it with the fluoride in the city water for decades, so it’s totally plausible OU would do the same. 

I heard from a friend of a friend of a cousin of a step brother of a classmate that there was one girl who 4.0’ed her whole four years here. She never drank the water once. I’m not saying there’s a correlation there, but there’s a correlation there. And that source is super reliable, so this is only more evidence to prove the facts.

Now that you’ve heard my argument, I make my plea to you all — stop drinking the Oakland water. It’s just not safe for you or your GPA. This semester is going to be hard enough, do yourself a favor and put on your tinfoil hat, grab a Brita and see your grades rise instantly.