Oakland University housing is on the cutting edge of university policies, as they unveil their newest ground-breaking innovation in on-campus safety: the honor system.

Instead of properly compensating night watch employees to enforce the new COVID-19 policies on guests and large gatherings, housing will rely on the tried and true honor system.

A policy equivalent to leaving a candy bowl out on Halloween, housing expects lonely, bored students to never bring a guest to their room. Surely, these young adults can refrain from sexual intercourse and debauchery if left without any supervision. It’s like how prisons are operated — no guards, no bars and no locked doors — the prisoners just stay there on their own free will!

The honor system has been referred to as “nearly flawless” by Steven Hawking. It is the single governing principle that helps people follow rules. 

In addition to the honor system, housing has provided students with free condoms. These condoms must only be used alone, however, but housing believes that students will do what is right, and not anything selfishly.

This genius policy from housing has sent shockwaves through the OU community. Many are calling the honor system “the next great governing style.” One anonymous world leader said “holy garbanzo beans, this puts me to shame.”

The Oakland University police department will also be working in accordance with the honor system. The police will never come into a students room, instead they will sit outside and gently paw at the door saying “pwease stop dwinking alcohol, you’re only 19.” This broad-sweeping police reforming took a whole 20 minutes to teach.

Some students have taken issue with the honor system, saying it is “totalitarian” and “communistic.” 

“This is about my freedom,” junior Tex Mekks said. “I can’t be living under such a dictatorship. How are my buddies and I supposed to hang out and break the rules under the honor system? It’s nearly impossible!”

The night watch employees — scratch that — employee, will be required to watch every building like a hawk, making sure that no students are defying the honor system. They will also be forced to wear a mask over their mouth, nose and eyeballs to make sure that students feel trusted.

In return, housing has graciously offered to not cover their housing anymore and pay them an unlivable wage. 

Other universities, like Michigan State and Central Michigan, have already increased measures to prevent the spread of disease. Those universities are either closed or near closing, but yet Oakland remains, moving steadfast through the mist of COVID-19 with a glowing beacon of hope: blind faith. 

“I would never have anyone over to my dorm now, because I would just feel really bad for disappointing Oakland,” freshman Pantera Onfire said. “Above all else, Americans are selfless, kind and caring people. I try to uphold those values whenever I get a booty call. Sorry, you can’t come, I’ve got a world to save.”

Students like Lyer are rallying around this new policy, and making sure that their consciences are clear. The only thing that will stay full is their love and adoration for OU Housing, because now they know they are trusted.