Anti-maskers force seagulls into higher education

Emily Morris, Managing Editor

In a world where Oakland University lies almost empty for an entire summer, the seagulls saw a chance, and they took it. Reread in Don LaFontaine’s voice if you didn’t already — the voice actor not the Subaru dealership.

With anti-mask children running awry across beaches throughout the country, the swooping beach hazards were forced to find a place to nibble on crumbs and trash. Now the once plentiful parking spaces in P1 have been reclaimed by the seagulls. 

The flock initially considered that Bear Lake could be a safe haven from the snot-nosed beach babies, but that maroge quickly vanished when they landed. Bear Lake is a generous name for unaware incoming freshmen for what is actually a cesspool of throwing — failing students throwing school supplies, frustrated professors throwing tweed jackets and glasses and, of course, frat boys throwing nothing in particular but swearing it went the farthest. Then all the donations melt into the green goo that is Oakland University’s Bear Lake. 

In response, the seagulls attempted to blend in with current OU wildlife — the deer. They have been the backbone of the university for years, silently controlling every move on campus. Members of the herd are even rumored to have stopped traffic with a moment’s notice just to remind university officials who’s in charge. 

Without a Disney princess to intervene, the deer and seagulls wouldn’t be living — or singing — harmoniously together anytime soon. Although a fairytale wasn’t in the cards, the seagulls pressed on. 

They saw only two options: wander through the Oakland University wildlife preserve for 40 years or skip to the Promised Land. Since doves usually have biblical preference, the seagulls went right to the Promised Land or parking lot one. 

Parking lot one is no land of milk and honey, but an occasional slim puddle and the green goo runoff from Bear Lake were good enough for the seagulls — anything to escape the beaches oozing with COVID-19. 

Although their story isn’t a fantasy or worthy of the Holy Book, it’s a timeless tale of the struggle and triumph of claiming parking spots in P1. Students and seagulls aren’t that different, after all. Classrooms will be missing many students this fall, but the seagulls will be there — a new beginning. 

So next time an urge for a  traditional seagull chase across the beach wells up inside of you, remember their story.