Ladies and gentlemen, girls and gays, welcome back to the Oakland Post’s satire section after a long hiatus. In March, we needed to take a pause to focus on some slightly more important issues — we’re in a global pandemic, perhaps you might have heard about it — but something has awoken us from our deep satire slumber — Trump’s “ban” on TikTok. 

My loyal readers will know that I am no stranger to TikTok, so it should not come as a surprise to anyone that this, of all the things that have occurred over the last five months, this is the tipping point for me. So Donny J. wants to ban TikTok, huh? Let’s tussle, big boy. 

Many of you zillennials might be wondering, why now? TikTok has been around for years, starting out as Musical.ly and now as the glorious app we know it to be. In the last four years he’s been stinking up the oval, why is he suddenly so concerned with some dumb kids shaking their ass for three likes? 

I’ll tell you why in three words — Tulsa rally, baby. It’s no secret the lib kids wanted to troll him for deciding to host a rally at the home of the infamous Tulsa Massacre, on the weekend of Juneteenth, in the middle of the biggest racial justice movement in recent years. Choices were made, and the past is the past.

Twump’s wittle ego got huwt? Hmm? So sad. I can just imagine the rage that filled his absolute unit of a big head when he calculated the amount of empty seats in the stadium as he looked out on the crowd. It must’ve been those no good snowflakes, the Marxists, the anarchists, the agitators, the looters and people who in many instances have absolutely no clue what they are doing.

He saw that empty stadium and really said “let’s GO.”

You know what, though, go ahead. Ban TikTok. I double dog dare you. I’m tired of it! The for you page is getting too specific, and I don’t want to see any more TikToks about foreign parents’ road rage or demanding answers for why rats eat like that. It’s about damn time someone did something about that algorithm because it’s a little sus if you ask me. 

On the other hand, if he does get rid of TikTok, he will also be disbanding the conservative hype house, and I could do without that on the internet. All those frat boys and pick me girls will need to stick to playing devil’s advocate in the Facebook comments section where they belong. Kellyanne Conway’s daughter Claudia will be missed, though.

As a totally mindless 20-year-old, I thrive on the hours I spend on the app. If China was really mining my data — which studies have proven isn’t a bigger concern than with any other social platform — than let them. I don’t care! If it means I can watch more one minute videos about frogs in small hats, it’s worth it. 

If you’re asking me — and since you decided to read my satire, you are — Don is just a little punk. He’s scared of the power we have on an app which his elderly mind doesn’t understand. If he thinks he’ll stop us by censoring our favorite app, then he better think again. I’m not afraid of a fight. Square up, fool — this isn’t over yet.