I am an asshole. I’m not questioning it, I am not making excuses; it is simply a fact. I am an asshole. Most of my compatriots think that it is a black and white issue, that I am just a jerk for the sake of being a jerk. I am here today to tell you some wonderful news: that is not true.

The “real me” is a teddy bear. I am an introverted, sweet and compassionate young boy. I’m still a perverted goon but everything else is radically different. So why don’t I display these desirable characteristics instead of being an arse to everyone I come into contact with? Because I am serving the greater good, that’s why.

I am a firm believer (and have been since I was splat onto this Earth 22 years ago) that everything sucks. The world is a crappy place and people only care about butts and screwing people over.

The idea that people are mostly good is unfathomable to me, and still, I ended up being a good little boy. So, since obviously my pathetic little self is unable to change anything about the world, I decided to find a way to give back to the people of planet earth. I adopted the facade of the asshole.

A wise man once said, “give a man a fish and he can eat for a day, throw a boomerang at the man’s throat and shoot him in the eye with a crossbow and he will die.” These are the words I live by. That is my inspiration for helping Michigan’s populace learn the cruelty of the world.

Since I have the occasional opportunity to write something for people at this institution to see, I feel like I have an even bigger obligation to be the asshole that no one wants, but everyone deserves. Unfortunately, there are some people here who don’t appreciate my candor.

A few months ago I concocted a well thought out story basically telling everyone that life sucks, in particular, freshman, whom I warned that the next four years of their lives would be a living hell. There was plenty of mediocre to slightly more than mediocre feedback, but among all of that were a few awesome people who decided to unclench their butt cheeks long enough to write to my personal email about my terrible message.

“You are sending a bad message to freshman,” “you have no basis for what you are saying,” “you are ugly,” “your picture makes my children physically ill.”

These are just some of the messages I received in response to the story, a story that had only good intentions in mind. There is a difference between being an asshole and being a bad guy. A bad guy will poop on his neighbor’s lawn and then laugh hysterically right in front of the guy while he is trying to clean up.

However, an asshole will also poop on his neighbor’s lawn, but will at least have the common decency to go around the corner and laugh in private while the guy cleans up the dookie. Most assholes are assholes just because they want to watch the world burn like Harvey Dent (get it?). That is the difference between a bad man and me. I am an asshole for the greater good.

Being this way does have some downsides, though. People don’t like or respect me. Girls instantly know I am not boyfriend material even before I have the chance to find a way to blow it. Professors think I am garbage right from the start. Children won’t let me play with their action figures. Really sick stuff.

No matter how badly I might want things to be different, this is the way that I am. I enjoy making fun of old people for being old, and little kids for pissing themselves. I enjoy goofing around in severely serious situations just to piss other people off. Life is about the small things and the small things for me are mocking everything and everyone around me just to try to feel a little bit better about my unimportant existence.

Ultimately, the good stuff outweighs the bad stuff. If just one child becomes a cynical, self-hating hermit, who makes fun of stupid people for being stupid, as a result of the thoughts that I am spewing, then I have lived up to my asshole potential.