My brother and I are best friends, don’t get me wrong, but being stuck in the same house together day-in and day-out is gonna lead to some head butting. Now that we’re older, we don’t fight as much as we did when we were kids, but we have returned to the good old days.

Now that I’m 20 and he’s 21, we fight about different things than when we were kids, so here are the stupid fights you can get into with your sibling. With honestly nothing better to do to entertain ourselves, it’s time to scrap like it’s 2008. Who’s ready to throw down?

Just a disclaimer, in case anyone in my family is reading this, I have never ever instigated, stirred the pot or whatever you like to say because I am an angel child, and have never done anything wrong ever in my whole life.

That’s mine

My favorite thing to do around the house is arbitrarily claim ownership over literally anything. That spot on the couch? Mine. The last popsicle in the freezer? Mine. The better blanket and pillow set for afternoon naps? Mine. Everyone knows I run this house, and that it’s all mine.

This inevitably leads to the argument of “I had it first,” which then leads to “I was born first” (which is a stupid argument, older siblings, you all suck, being born is not an accomplishment, and honestly, if that’s the highlight of your life, then try harder). My next move is to yell for Mom, who then awards me my prize.

It’s always mine.

Mom and Dad like me more

Now this is simply a fact. It works well as a good follow up argument — you start with a “that’s mine,” then you come in hot with this move. It’s a known FACT that I am the favorite, which, as the baby of the family, the most talented and funniest child, can you blame them?

My big bro hates this argument because it’s one he cannot win — ever. My mom tries to deny it, coming in with all that “I love you both the same” bullshit, which I don’t buy. My mom called me her best friend yesterday, and I refuse to believe it’s the quarantine talking.

You breathe too loud

This is hands down my best fight to date. No one can surpass the ultimate insult of being a loud breather, because what the fuck does that mean? You cannot deny that telling someone they breathe too loud is not the epitome of being an annoying piece of shit. If you don’t want to get hit with this absolute death wish, then stop breathing like you ran a marathon. Worse than being a loud chewer. Disgusting.

I use this fight during round two of the MMA smackdown, this is a killer line. It works best when a fight has just died down, Mom thinks the dust has settled, Brother is just starting to relax. A fool. I never relax until I win. That’s when I come in with “you breathe too loud.” It’s just *chef’s kiss*, you know?

There you have it, folks, the perfect recipe for a fantastic, reality TV worthy fight. Use these tips well, and remember, we never start fights in this house, we just finish them.