Aries: March 21-April 19

After decades of soul-searching, you finally realize that you have no soul. 

Taurus: April 20-May 20

A reoccurring dream will predict a sudden thrill to make workout videos like those couples on Instagram, except the only thing holding you back is your partner — you don’t have one. 

Gemini: May 21-June 20

You’ll lose both your legs next week in a tiger attack after jumping into the Amur tiger enclosure at the Detroit Zoo. You thought you could be like Joe Exotic, but you forgot you were carrying beef jerky in your pockets that day. 

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Your first instinct this week is to concentrate and work really hard on assignments for your online classes, while your second instinct this week will be to just give up. 

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

Traveling is in your future for next week, when you are driving across the states after getting kidnapped by a guy claiming to have $100,000 in cash in his van that you could’ve used to pay off your college loans. 

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Your week will start out great, until Tuesday, when you look into the mirror to see your reflection and realize you’re still a clown. 

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22

Don’t let your pain stay as pain. You can add all different kinds of filters to make it less pain-full.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21

I’m a Scorpio, so this horoscope is biased as hell. Scorpios are obviously the best looking people in the world — Matthew McConaughey, Ryan Gosling and Leonardo DiCaprio are all Scorpios and all are Hollywood hunks. Life just seems to work out for us in every way possible — this week is no different.  

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

You’ll realize this week that the walls to your room are way too thin after your parents heard your loud addiction to Hentai.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19

Next week is full of freedom and abundant activities for you, mainly because you won’t have to attend your court date after the court ceased operations.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

This week, you’ll do your part for the environment when you decide to save on toilet paper by going No. 2 on your neighbor’s lawn.  

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

The alignment of the stars predict your search for true love will finally come to an end this week after you’ve finished eating that crunch wrap supreme you got at Taco Bell.