The dirty truth behind the open concept Bear Cave

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

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Anyone who has walked through the Oakland Center has inevitably been assaulted with loud screams, yells and curse words coming from the Bear Cave.

The Bear Cave is Oakland University’s premiere gaming center, where students can forego responsibilities and scream their hearts out throughout all hours of the day. Not only is the Bear Cave a good place to relax, but it also has scientifically been proven to reduce stress levels, while at the same time increasing vocal damage.

“The screaming is without a doubt a great stress relief,” said Gretchen Snyder, chief of mental health operations at the Graham Health Center. “However, our patients have expressed to us a dangerous amount of vocal damage. Their vocal chords look like a used paper towel put through a paper shredder.”

The most common game played by gamers in the Bear Cave is “Super Smash Bros. Ultimate,” which ironically is the only smashing these loud-mouthed, carpal tunnel-having screamers will be doing during their time at OU.

While the gamers have an impressive volume to them, nothing compares to the incessant racket that the air hockey players create on a daily basis. The air hockey players have recently been charted as making enough noise to register on The Richter Scale. Creator of The Richter Scale, Dick Richter, spoke on the danger of these simpletons.

“What bothers me the most about these creatures is the nature of the game they are playing,” Richter said. “Air hockey isn’t even that fun. I would understand if they were playing a more exciting game, but air hockey? We need a CAT scan to determine if these creatures have brain damage.”

The Bear Cave recently underwent renovations with the new Oakland Center remodel. Previously, the Bear Cave had a glass panel and a door that separated the common folk from the elite gamers, but now the glass panel is gone, and the Bear Cave is open for any who wish to enter the hellscape.

Recently, Oakland Post secret agents infiltrated the office of President Ora Hirsch Pescovitz, and found secret documents revealing the true reason for the removal of the glass panel that separated the Bear Cave from the hallway.

The real reason? Torture.

“We believe that anyone foolish enough to work on our campus should be subjected to the most severe form of torture … exploded eardrums,” the document reads. “These moronic student employees working for The Oakland Post, WXOU, SPB, SAFB or Student Congress should be subjected to the screams and yells of the worlds most insufferable humans … Redditors.”

The jig is up, administration. Bring the glass back to the Bear Cave, us student employees demand respect. Not only are we driven mad by the incessant yelling, but events often held in The Habitat are interrupted by guttural screams over video games.

The Oakland Post attempted to speak to gamers and air hockey players in the Bear Cave, but they were too busy yelling and screaming to notice that other humans had entered their domain.