Administration announced last Thursday, Jan. 30 that Moodle would be receiving an upgrade starting in September 2020. Moodle will be offering a paid subscription service for all students at $5.99 per month, called “Moodle+.”

Moodle+ will have all the regular features of Moodle, just with a paywall. The Board of Trustees saw the success that streaming video services like Disney+, Hulu and Netflix have had and wanted to capitalize on the moneymaking opportunity.

“We only have one private parking lot for higher-ups, and we wanted more,” said Steve Currant, head of Moodle+ development. “We want to be even more elitist than we already are with a gated parking lot that students can’t use, so in 2020, P1 will require a special 16-digit code.”

In order to install a gate with security features, administration decided on Moodle+ to fundraise. Features such as your professor’s email, visible grades and discussion forums will be behind a paywall.

Many students have met this decision with resistance, but others are defending the administration to suck up to them.

“If you can’t afford the paywall, then maybe you shouldn’t go to school,” freshman Joey Key said. “This is America. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and stop acting like the world is against you. Also, President Pescovitz, can I be hired as an executive staff member?”

Bonus features of Moodle+ will include premium access to CoolMathGames.com, exclusive videos about Oakland University history and secret photos of what the Grizz looks like without his jersey on.

“I really just want to get Moodle+ because of the pictures of Grizz,” junior Teddy Behr said. “I have a sneaking suspicion that Grizz has an eight pack and some really toned obliques.”

Perversion aside, the implementation of Moodle+ is something that has been in the works for months. Administration has long been seeking a way to improve their lives at the detriment of students, especially when it comes to parking.

Parking is already a hot commodity on campus, and instead of fixing it by adding more structures, administration believes implementing more private lots for their pleasure is something worth putting campus money behind.

“Frankly, it’s anti-American to force such important men and women like us to walk as far as these students have to on a daily basis,” bigwig Francesca Molinari said. “I am above these lower-class citizens, and I do not want to have to fight for a parking spot when I roll into campus at 10:17 with an oak milk matcha in my hand.”

In the end, the students fighting back against Moodle+ will have their voices heard, but nothing will be done to quell their concerns.

“Students’ voices matter … is what we tell them,” Molinari said, hysterically laughing. “In reality, we do whatever the hell we want because we have the money, and money talks.”

Moodle+’s launch date is expected to be announced soon at an extravagant ball held at Meadow Brook Hall, complete with a nine-course meal and bottle service. No students are invited to attend.