Intelligence reports released last week from the Pentagon revealed internal discussions on pressing security threats to the United States. All of the threats came from countries in the Middle East, and each of the pages of the security reports had notes in the margins detailing which countries would be the target of our next attack. Among the choices were Iran, Iraq and even Jordan. Many of the countries were scribbled out, including Iran, which had a sticky note attached to it that said, “Too much bad press, cannot bomb this week. Save for a rainy day.”

Experts in the field had time to analyze these reports and were all baffled when they couldn’t find the report’s final decision. White House correspondent Wahar Hawk was worried that the President and the Pentagon were unable to choose which country to strike this week.

“Normally, it’s quite clear which country the White House decides to bomb each week, but worryingly enough this week didn’t have a clear decision,” Hawk said. “I’m worried that this lack of decision will make our country appear weak — if we don’t use our multitude of Tomahawk missiles to enforce our hegemonic status, what would the world think of us?”

The U.S. foreign policy framework for the past few decades has followed the “shoot first, ask questions later” doctrine, which was expanded by young Bush to include the “weekly carpet bombing” clause during his presidency. The assassination of Iranian general Qassem Soleimani was one such weekly bombing, conveniently aligning with security reports that a Pentagon intern accidentally dug up from 2004 while looking for the bathroom. 

Without a target to drone strike last week, special interest groups from every military fabrication company visited the White House to make sure everything was alright. The Trump administration immediately came out with a press release stating they would get right back on schedule this week.

With the bombing schedule back in place, upcoming targets might include anyone from Turkey to the U.A.E. depending on the business interests of the commander-in-chief. Hawk noted that in his many years of covering the White House, who the U.S. targets next is always an exciting surprise.

“Who knows what country we’ll make an excuse to attack tomorrow!” Hawk said. “We, as the most powerful country in the world, get a chance to solidify our power, and the Middle East becomes even safer due to our benevolence. We kill terrorists, and they reap the benefits, what’s not to love?”

The coming months will have many important milestones in the wrapping up of the Iran assassination and embassy crisis, but at the end of the day no one in the United States will suffer the consequences of an attack overseas. So to most of the citizens of the U.S., rejoice at the increased national security! 

And to anyone who has family or connection to the countries in question, just try to forget that this country has historically committed war crimes in the name of oil money. Surely no reason to be anxious.