Christmas songs that grind my gears, part 2

Trevor Tyle, Editor-in-Chief

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Welp, it’s that time of year again — between the hustle and bustle of bloodthirsty Black Friday shoppers, the ear-piercing wails of Christmas carolers and the broken limb-inducing sheets of ice covering the sidewalks, the holiday season is officially in full swing.

But it’s not just the return of corporate America’s favorite time of year. It wouldn’t really be Christmas without another article from yours truly bitching about the most annoying tunes of the holiday season, would it? Some of our readers might remember my list of Christmas songs that grind my gears from last year — and if you thought that was the whole list, you are SADLY mistaken. Call me a Grinch, but airing my grievances is what I do best, and damn it, that’s what I’m going to do. Maybe if I’m lucky, somebody will FINALLY get these songs banned from existence.

“Jingle Bells”

Being that I’m already going to piss off the excessively cheery psychopaths that listen to Christmas music all year round with this article, I might as well start off controversial. I’m just going to say it — “Jingle Bells” is one of the most overdone, obnoxious holiday tunes in existence. Yet, here we are, 162 years after the song was written, and it still won’t die. For the life of me, I don’t see the appeal with this song — the version where Batman smells and the Joker gets away is FAR more entertaining. Besides, why listen to “Jingle Bells” when you can bop to the far superior “Jingle Bell Rock” and recreate Regina George’s iconic dance from “Mean Girls”?

“The Twelve Days of Christmas”

Ugh. I understand this has been a holiday standard since like, the 1700s, but … Christmas is one day, not 12. Even back then, I’m pretty sure they knew how to count days. Boomers can bitch about how redundant and uninspired our music is all they want, but must we remind them that they have allowed this song to continue to exist even though it is the textbook definition of basic? I mean, these aren’t even good Christmas gifts — who the hell wants a bunch of birds and dancing dorks? You know what I want for Christmas? Some peace and quiet! 

And speaking of which, somebody please enlighten me as to why the hell every version of this song suddenly gets ten times louder when we receive FIIIIIVEEEE GOOOOLDEN RIIIIIIINGS for the umpteenth time. It wasn’t exciting the first time we got them, and it’s certainly not any more exciting seven verses later. I mean, what a waste of money, I don’t even have that many ring fingers. Those suckers are just going to get regifted or sold on eBay by New Year’s Day anyway.

“Carol of the Bells”

Nothing screams excessive cheer like shrieking choirs and ringing bells. As I mentioned earlier, WHY DOES EVERYBODY FEEL THE NEED TO BE LOUD AROUND CHRISTMAS?! Ding-dong, ding-dong — please, for the love of God, MAKE IT STOP. Besides, y’all do realize you’re singing about bells, right? How sad must your life be for you to be joyfully singing about BELLS?! It’ll never be a “Santa Baby”-level cringefest, but it’s bad enough I want those ding-donging bells to smash right into my skull so that I don’t have to listen to this never-ending song anymore.

If any of my friends are looking for a last-minute gift for me this year, please find a way to get these songs banned from radio airwaves for eternity. Or, at the very least, just make sure I never have to hear them again.