Ah, therapy. We all need it, don’t act like you don’t.

As the resident back page boi of this newspaper, it is my duty to provide quality advice to my loyal readers. There are three good ways to feel better in a time of crisis: communication, violence and substance abuse. I will detail one example of each that will help you through depression, anxiety or whatever else ails you, since the wait for the Graham Counseling Center is so long.

1. Communication

You gotta let that shit out, and there is no better way to do that than talking to someone who cares. If no one cares about your issues, go to a place where they are obligated to care. Go on a road trip to the south and hit up Chick-Fil-A. Their customer service training also doubles as a psychology degree, so all of the cashiers are also licensed therapists. They will really sound like they care about you, then offer you some nuggets with Chick-Fil-A sauce.

Homophobia aside, Chick-Fil-A really cares about their customers. Just maybe keep your sexuality under wraps if you aren’t straight. I don’t judge, but the spicy sandwich does.

2. Violence

Beat the living hell out of something. Not something that has feelings or is animate, I’m talking strictly inanimate objects. I do not condone violence. I recommend an anime girl body pillow. First off, it is kind of tall, so you can punch AND kick the life out of it. Find your waifu and then take her to suplex city.

Afterwards, make sure to apologize, because anime body pillows have feelings, too. Tell her she’s pretty and then go for a quick cuddle to end the night. That’s the great part about the body pillow. Lots of surface area to inflict pain on and then immediately after snuggle up with.

If you can’t bring yourself to hit an anime woman, which is totally understandable, just flip that bitch over and Floyd Mayweather the side without a picture of a human on it. Problem solved. Also, make sure you keep the relationship strictly platonic, otherwise you might get a few visits from OUPD.

Do not have sex with pillows.

3. Substance Abuse

No, not drugs or alcohol, those are addicting and harmful to your physical health. I just used this heading for click bait. I need readership. Anyway, find a food you really love and just buy the whole aisle of it. My personal favorite tactic is going to Walmart’s “seasonal” aisle and just going HAM on the candy aisle.

Buy everything in that aisle, even the stuff you don’t like. It does not matter. Your goal is to overdose on sugar and make bad decisions. Unlike alcohol, you won’t damage your liver. Unlike (non-weed) drugs, you won’t die or get arrested. So, this is the best way. Maybe take a trip down the ice cream aisle as well.

The key is to not stop eating. Everyone knows that post-binge session feeling where you feel even worse about yourself. Don’t let that happen. Keep the good times rolling.

That’s about all I got as far as free therapy goes. If you’d like to show appreciation for these tactics, my Venmo is @pearcem10. Don’t be shy, and remember … keep it depressed, mis amigos.