Hairway to heaven: Part deux

By Josh Soltman

If any of you have had the displeasure of reading some of my stuff over the past year, you might remember a harrowing tale I penned about chopping off all of my hair for the first time in over a decade. Even though after several months I have finally started to come to terms with the cosmetic choice I have made, another glorious head of hair has gone through a drastic change.

The head that has changed so drastically belongs to a young man by the name of Sam Schlenner, a friend and former Post employee.  He also had a miraculous head of hair.  Unfortunately, that miraculous head of hair is now gone, lost to the world, sucked down into the annals of history never to be seen again.

Like me, his hair had been a big part of his life for many years. Now we are both shells of the men we used to be (well, I am – not sure how he’s feeling).

This particular incident got me thinking about change though, and how awful it really is. No change is ever a good thing. New job? Sucks. Having to move? Really sucks. New classes? Horrible. New stinging sensation when you pee? Sometimes feels nice and tingly but ultimately not a good thing.

A lot of changes can be remedied fairly easily; unfortunately cutting off a sexy head of hair isn’t something that can be fixed so easily. Any regrets Sammy Schlenner may have won’t be easily reversed. Hair takes a long time to grow.  

Now, I really don’t know how he feels about what he did. He may be happy with the results (and honestly, it looks good). This is not an investigative report. I don’t know how he spent his years with his hair. I can only assume he spent his time conquering cities, laying dames and drinking the blood of his enemies. At least, that’s what I would have done if I had that hair.

I didn’t know Sam for most of the time that he had the hair, but based on a late night Facebook stalking session, I can infer some things. The dude absoultely slayed tail. Every single photo he had on his profile consisted of him and several lady friends.

I can also assume from his profile that his hair allowed him to travel the world free of charge. There are several photos in what look like exotic locations. The only place my long hair got me was to the shower because I had to wash it several times a day.

I can’t help but be happy for him because he is happy with the cut, but I also can’t help but he pissed off because his hair was so much better to him then mine was.

I didn’t get women. I didn’t get to travel. I didn’t get to conquer anything. I got teased and had a greasy-ass face most of the time.

I can’t help but think that I am the parallel universe Sam Schlenner. He got all the benefits of having a flowing mane; I got the downsides. He got ass, I got kicked in the ass.

Not that we are both just normal Joes with short hair, I can only hope that we swap universes and I become the Schlenner that I’ve always dreamed of.