Sometimes, the random roommate pairing just doesn’t work. Trust me, I know. The other morning, I woke up, walked to the bathroom and saw what I hoped was beard hair shaved onto the entire sink. I don’t want to talk about it any more.

There are some telltale signs I have for all of you who live with other people, telltale signs that you need to hit the eject button and find anywhere else to live on this universe.

1. Eating your food without asking

I mean, this is grounds for the death penalty if you ask me. If Donald Trump was to eat Melania’s food from the fridge, he should receive the impeachment from Amazon with two-day shipping. This is literally the number one worst thing you could ever do to someone in the history of mankind.

If you eat someone’s food without asking, you’re a monster. Do you know how expensive chicken wings are? If I leave those in there I expect to get my money’s worth the next day. Plainly put, you deserve to be shot into the sun if you eat someone else’s food.

2. Playing loud music

Alright, this is subjective. Because if my roommate is playing the bangers of the century like the new “Hot (Remix)” by Young Thug, Gunna and Travis Scott, they can stay. I’m gonna break down the door and get hype with them. But if I hear some EDM garbage or some country twang BS coming from their room, it’s on. It’s fight night, get the gloves because it’s about to go down.

Bangers only when you’re living with me. GET OUT OF HERE with that dumbass geetar and dubstep shit, I need that music that shakes my spine and makes me feel like a king. Out of respect for my roommates, I only play heat. I would never disrespect my fellow Grizzlies by playing some Florida Georgia Line.

3. Getting too personal

Listen buddy, I don’t want new friends. The four I have are enough, socialization is draining. I don’t need you trying to cuddle me to sleep because I had a nightmare. Thanks, but no thanks.

If you get put with randoms, just keep it casual. Maybe you can make a lasting friendship, but most likely we’re just gonna nod in the hallways and that’s about it. I’m fine with that, what I’m not fine with is you standing in my doorway basically telling me your entire life story. To be honest, I really don’t care. I am trying to watch “The Office” for the 45th time, I need to see what happens with Jim and Karen, they’re a really cute couple!

Bottom line: I’m an asshole, I don’t need more friends to let down. I have enough of those already. Just basically act like you don’t exist and I’ll be thrilled you’re my roommate.

4. Complaining about you in the Oakland Post like some sort of passive-aggressive child who can’t handle human confrontation and act like a respectable adult

Wait …