Love doesn’t exist. OK, that’s not fair. It does exist, but it’s stupid and dumb and I hate it. 

This reason alone is why having a “holiday” based solely off of this faux idea of love is incredibly ridiculous.  Of course, there are a multitude of other reasons why it’s a bad idea. 

First of all, the origins of Valentine’s Day are never talked about for some reason, probably because nobody seems to care about facts. Named after St. Valentine, a Christian martyr from the 5th century, the holiday has virtually no ties to romantic love in most cultures. Leave it to Americans to find an excuse to eat their body weight in chocolate and buy overpriced greeting cards with Nickelodeon characters plastered all over them. Leave it to hapless men to spend hundreds of dollars on flowers and jewelry in the faint hope of receiving some hand or mouth stuff. Lucky for me, I don’t need that; I am a ninja in the masturbatory arts. 

Valentine’s Day is completely a hallmark holiday. I don’t think anyone can disagree with that. According to history.com, approximately one billion Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year. That’s one billion pieces of cardboard. That’s one billion pieces of trees that have been decimated in the name of greed and gluttony. Keep pulling flowers from their natural habitat only to adorn the table on your coffee table before being thrown in the trash a week later. Keep eating your fancy dinners and chocolates you nature killers.  

My favorite (and only) thing about Valentine’s Day that I like is how we all used to celebrate it in grade school. Have your mommy or daddy go to the store and buy you a box of 30 of the most generic cards you could find. Of course, they would have Spiderman or Spongebob or Rugrats characters, an assortment of things not associated with love, on them. 

Then you would go to school on Valentine’s Day, and for the last 20 or 30 minutes of class everyone would walk around to each desk and drop a card into everyone’s box, compiling a homogenous blob of insincere love notes. Some would have a sucker or a chocolate treat attached. Some would simply say “be mine” or “you’re a rad dad” on them. Then you would go home and dump all the cards right into the garbage (not before eating the candy though, LOL amirite?)

This wonderful grade school tradition is just about the only enjoyable thing about the day, and captures the very essence of what I believe Valentine’s Day should be all about. It’s a childish stupor of affection that is done for absolutely no reason at all. Stupidity. Love is a synonym for stupidity. 

Most people think that anyone who bitches about hating Valentine’s Day is just lonely and bitter due to a lack of significant other. This is half true. I am about as bitter as Godiva is dark. Anyone whom is ever within scent of me can attest to that. My hatred of love stems mostly from past experiences—that and the fact that I don’t have the balls to go after the woman of my dreams (I still love you, Oprah Winfrey).

Still, I feel that my opinion is not biased. My heart may not have always been as black and vapid as it is now, but rest assured–my stance on Valentine’s Day was always destined to end up this way. I already hate all the other useless holiday ( St. Patrick’s Day, birthdays, production night) so it was inevitable no matter what, I’d fall in hate with national love day. 

I’m taking this opportunity to begin a new culture, a new Valentine’s Day tradition. Instead of giving your loved ones candy, give them nothing. Instead of saying “I love you,” give them the cold shoulder. Instead of going out to a fancy dinner of wine and assorted cheeses, starve.

If everyone can follow these simple steps, we can be on our way to a better non-existent holiday Then, once everyone gets so worn down and reaches my level of unhappiness, I can finally stop being the most miserable mope on campus.