The costumes you meet at a Halloween party

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Graphic by Ashley Averill

Sometimes you can’t unsee college costumes.

Ashley Averill

Halloween is a time for carving pumpkins, going to cider mills, eating candy and watching “Hocus Pocus” or a horror movie.

If you’re a college student, Halloween is an excuse to get dressed up, messed up and throw up from Oct. 25 to Nov. 1. It’s the time when people express their creativity in picking a costume that speaks to them, freeing themselves from the confines of the everyday … ehhh, who am I kidding?

These are the costumes you’ll always see at a Halloween party:

The couple costume

Some couples costumes are super cute and remind me that I’m going to die alone.

But other times, 50% of the costume doesn’t want to be there. They were drunk when they agreed to it, forgot until the day before and their partner bought the worst thing imaginable.

The other half is WAY too excited to have thought of it. At some point in the night, y’all will get separated and it won’t be a couples costume anymore so what’s the fuckin’ point?

The lazy “costume”

“I came as myself because I’m iconic.” Yes, someone actually said that last year — narcissistic son of a …

 The Scream? TRY to be more original. Just blood or scar make up in sweatpants? That’s pathetic. 

And enough with the “Error 404: Costume not found” written in sharpie on a white T-shirt, god dammit! You know what else isn’t found? Your sense of humor, that shit isn’t funny anymore.

The political/pop culture costume

Yes, there is such a thing as too many Trump and Kardashians at a party. I know, SHOCKING.

This is for everyone who dresses up as the last person they saw a Tweet notification from. 

I’m already bracing myself for all the “presidential candidate” costumes, like some dumbass in a suit who gets wasted and calls himself Biden asking where he is every two minutes.

The ruin-your-childhood costume

We’ve all seen it. Someone always shows up in a costume that vaguely resembles a character from our childhood … only its horrifying because they’re half naked and all “sexy,” and you want to gouge your eyeballs out because you can’t unsee it. 

Let’s be honest, there’s only so many times you can see “Sexy Dora the Explorer” dry hump with “Sexy Buzz Lightyear” before you vom up all that shitty candy corn ⁠— because who likes candy corn?

I’m not slut shaming. You want to wear a “sexy [insert occupation], devil, angel, cat, etc.,” go for it. Really. It’s when you pick a character that we watched when we were children and defile them that make us want to wash our eyes with bleach.

Sorry, I checked, “Horny” wasn’t one of Snow White’s dwarfs.

The insensitive costume

I mean … do I have to say more? Don’t do it, just don’t. If at any point in picking a costume you have to ask yourself, “Is this a good idea?” It’s probably not, genius.

Lord help you when Karen finds out the next day and writes you a long and strongly worded Facebook post.

Let’s not forget about last year, what part of sexy baby sounded like a good idea to you? Yes hello, 9-1-1 … Gimmie’ an O-F-F-E-N-S-I-V-E … What does that spell? Bad taste.

The what-are-you-supposed-to-be?

Everyone knows that one person who shows up as something from way out in left field that leaves you wondering, what are you supposed to be? Usually it’s the guy who thinks he’s so brilliant by being creative and expressive with his costume to the point that no one “gets” it. God help us if we ask about it, then they treat us like uncultured swine.

I’m not trying to be the Grinch of Halloween, there are a ton of really great costumes, ones that are just funny, scary or spooky enough. All that matters is you have fun!

It’s not our fault these costume themes suck but are everywhere at the same time. They’re just the cheapest, and as broke-ass college students, this is all we can afford.

I won’t be out this year to give you a “costume police” citation, though — so party on, kids. I have a standing reservation to watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” and worship Satan.

Happy Halloween, BOO-thousand 19.