Dear South Found Bathrooms,

You will not be missed.

With the upcoming renovations to the beloved South Foundation Hall, it seems our days together are numbered. I will cherish every trip I take to avoid sitting in class and every dirty mirror selfie taken in front of your sinks. People never realize what they have until it’s gone, and I can’t help but feel heartbroken at our parting.

The sweet stench of sewage and chlorine burning my nose is almost nostalgic now. The out-of-order signs hanging from half the stalls make my heart ache. Soon, these things will be gone from us, and replaced by new-age plumbing that won’t back up every time you take a shit.

The thought that the stalls may one day lock is astounding. The weird pose we all learned to hold the door closed while we take a piss will be irrelevant. Flexibility in OU students will dramatically drop after this renovation is complete, mark my words. 

The gap between your stall doors and the frames might disappear. I know the design plans haven’t been finalized, so there’s a chance that we will still get to stare at ourselves in the mirror and make awkward fleeting eye contact with people washing their hands as we sit on your toilets. One can only hope. 

I know some things will never change. The wads of hair in the sink, the layer of filth and piss on the ground, the bunches of toilet paper in the corners of the stalls. These things are not your fault, and knowing that the n*w b*throoms will return to this state is comforting. 

Call me an optimist, but I have high hopes for the new place. Maybe your new paper towel dispenser will stay stocked so I don’t have to dislocate my wrists as I furiously shake my hands dry. Maybe the water that comes out of your sinks won’t be so cold it freezes my fingers or so hot it burns my hands. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll only take one flush to get rid of a single square of toilet paper. 

I know our parting will be bittersweet. You served us well, South Found Bathrooms. From your birth at the dawn of time, 1959, you have helped students skip class for generations. Your endless lines to use the one available stall make the experience last the maximum amount of time, just as God intended. When all the toilets actually function like they’re supposed to, the wait time will  be cut by one billion percent, which is honestly a tragedy. Degenerates like myself will have to resort to other ways to get out of lectures, like twiddling my thumbs or staring at a wall, and those excuses just aren’t as good. 

With the renovations planned to begin at the end of the winter semester, I’m trying to enjoy my last few months with you as best I can. I might have to start taking two trips to the bathroom every class period instead of one, just to spend as much time with you as possible.

Until we meet again, old friend.

Love,

Lauren <3