The best places to make out on campus


Graphic by Erin O'Neill

Couples should learn to take their affections to more convenient places on campus.

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

Listen, my horny readers, I know what you freaks like. I see you all the time getting cuddled up in the most strange places. Whether it be the Oakland Center, the hallways of Varner or your cars, you people are animals.

With that being said, I’m here to help you. I don’t give a shit who you want to kiss, just do it out of my sight. Keep it classy, my dudes.

Perhaps my number one make out spot on Oakland’s campus is the top of the Elliott Tower. Nothing more romantic than frenching your partner as you both look out on Oakland’s beautiful campus. While the business is getting freaky, you also can play some tunes on the bells. Maybe some Usher, some Trey Songz, really anything to get in the mood.

While you dabble on the carillon bells and find your true self, you also feel like a Bond villain, so there is no limit to the power you hold at one of the highest points on campus. It’s basically Oakland’s version of Viagra, a real power trip.

Next up is for the sporty gals and guys. Every Oakland student gets a free Rec Center membership. Inside the palace of sweat is a secret nook known as the racquetball court. These courts are also used for wally ball, which is a hoot of a time. Anyway, I digress. This isn’t about wally ball, this about going balls to the wall. Take your partner on a tour of the Rec, do some push-ups and squats, and then go hog wild in the lesser-used racquetball courts.

The only issue with this is the glass wall that exists, but after careful observation of couples in Varner Hall, I now know that visibility does not matter. It’s disgusting, but sometimes you just can’t control yourself.

Another spot that is prone to foreign activity is on the bridge over Bear Lake. The ambient sounds of the fountains will set the mood for you and your lover. Be careful, lovebirds, because during the colder months it gets a little slippery on the ice. However, that can add another dimension of fun for you and your sweetie pie.

Nothing is more romantic than having to fight off geese that want to murder you while you suck face like a hoover vacuum. One hand on her thigh, one hand on a goose’s neck as you dive into the world of adulthood.

Lastly, perhaps the most intriguing place to express your undying love to your pumpkin pie sweetie bear boo boo bun is the library. Gain knowledge of yourself and your partner as you peruse the library. Just keep it quiet, please. Try a glass study room for a little bit of seclusion, or take it down to the archives and find the secrets of the university.

Alright guys, I hope you enjoy your new, fresh make out spots. All I want to do as chief satire loser is spread love, and I hope I did that today. Enjoy, you wild ones.